Lab Confirmation that my blog title is correct

Well, my obgyn drew my FSH levels last week, and my FSH is 69.7. Anything over 13 is indicative of being post-menopausal. So, no wonder I am having raging hot flashes a couple of times a day. I went to medical records and got my results myself. I still hadn't heard from the dr.'s offics today, so I called and left a messsage this afternoon. Of course, the nurse called me back after the dr. had already left for the day, so they wil have to give me a call back tomorrow. Hopefully soon I will have some estrogen back in my system and feel more like a normal person again!

I've been a naughty, naughty blogger

Holy crap, it's been almost a month since I've posted. So, let me try to recap.
-I saw my OBGYN, after taking 5 days of BCP to stop the hot flashes. Of course, she promptly made me quit the pills, so she could see what my FSH is. She wants me to wait until the hot flashes come back to have my blood drawn, so that she can see what kind of dose I need for HRT. It's been 3 weeks and still no hot flashes. Plus, she started me on Lexapro, and I think that has really made a difference in my mood.

-My husband and are officially on the waiting list at the RE's office to be given donor embryos. We've been on the list for about 2 weeks. They told me the waiting list is typically 2-3 months long. Now we are just trying to come up with a creative way to finance the procedure ($5,000) without taking out another loan. Any suggestions out there in blogland?

-I went to Boston last week for a work trip and it was BEAUTIFUL. Had a good time, but very glad to be home with DH and DS.

-I've lost 25 pounds in the 9 weeks since my surgery. That's a whole lot of wait for not much time. And I'm not really eating any differently. I was really starting to get worried about it. But I have to get my TSH levels drawn every six months because I have hypothyroidism and take Synthroid. Well, I had medical records at the hospital pull up my labs I had drawn yesterday and my TSH is only .029
It should be between .3-5.5. So apparently, I've got a little HYPERthyroid going on. So, we'll see what the good old doc wants to do when he calls me back later this week (he was out of the office today).

So, that's the quick synopsis for right now. Oh, and my best friend had her baby two weeks ago. He initially had some respiratory problems and spent a week at Children's Hospital but is doing great now. And my sister-in-law found out she's having a girl, the first girl in the family (lucky b*tch) :)
I'll try to keep this updated a little better from now on!

Fifth Grade

Well, first off, I'm feeling much better. Whatever I had the other night, went away.
Today was the first day of 5th grade for my dear son TR. He was so tired and grumpy this morning. Here are the morning pictures:


Note the "Dear Heavens woman, must you take a picture of every damn thing I do!" look on the poor kids face.
But he must have had a good day at school (he's got his latest crush in all his classes) because here is the after school picture:

I can't believe he is in fifth grade this year. And he's ten! Time keeps flying no matter how much I try to slow it down.
We had training today at work and our Meditech specialist was here from Boston. She is all of 23 and just had a birthday last month. She is SO young! It got me thinking about how we started trying for number two when I was 23. And now here I am.
Well, tomorrow is another day, and it will be here soon!

I think I have the flu. Last night I started feeling a little queasy. Took some Motrin this morning because I was achy. Now, this evening, I am freezing, I think I'm gonna hurl, and every muscle in my body aches.
Just wanted to share my misery with my internet friends :)

Clean Up in Aisle Three

DH and I were a Walmart this morning when we ran into his parents. And of course, they wanted to stand in the aisle and chat for twenty minutes. So, a few minutes into the conversation, my MIL turns and says to me "BIL and SIL keeping telling me all about the baby names they are picking. They must be pretty confident about this pregnancy". Now, I have talked with BIL and SIL about the names they have picked out. And I am 95% thrilled for them that this pregnancy is progressing so well after their past two miscarriages. But EVERYTIME I see MIL, she wants to talk to me about SIL and show me the tiny baby clothes she bought for them. I feel like she is rubbing it in my face. I'm not sure how to bring it up, but I am going to have to have a talk with her about it soon, otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to flip out on her. After we finished talking with them in Walmart, I had to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes before I could continue.
On a happy note, our new next door neighbors Diana and Shane got married today in a beautiful wedding. Diana and I used to work together on L&D, so I'm really excited to have them as neighbors.
I found this website off a forum I visit. I think I might send my MIL the link. Anyone have any suggestions for how to talk to her?
Empty Arms

An Electronic Health Record

Today I thought I would blog a little about my job. I have been an RN for the past 7 years. Six of those I spent as a labor and delivery nurse and I loved it until it became apparent that I was spending 40 hours with what I want most and can't have rubbed in my face. So, I found a new job. I currently work for my hospital's IT dept in a specialized group that combines your average IT techie people with clinicians. The hope is that this combination will successfully create an enterprise wide electronic health record that will not only improve patient care by creating universal access to information, but also will improve health care by tracking patient outcomes and trends that hospitals need to focus wealth and resources on to keep up with changing winds of healthcare. It's such a big undertaking but also so exciting to be involved on the front end. Currently, the USA is #1 in the world for healthcare spending, but #42 in patient outcomes. Obviously, we have a long way to go.
Do any of you out there work in healthcare?

For a Change

I am going to do something a little different and NOT complain on here. Instead, I am going to list things I am thankful for:
1. My son. This one is a no brainer. He's 10, he's healthy, he's happy. I really couldn't ask for more in life at all.
2. My husband. We've been together 11 of my 27 years. He'a good man, a good father, and he tries really hard.
3. My best friend Candice's pregnancy. She suffered through a horrible miscarriage last fall and is about to have her second child, a little boy!
4. A coworker named S who is about to adopt a baby boy that she found through taking care of his biological Aunt when she was in labor. Her adoption just fell into place and it gives me hope that there is a child out there or soon to come into the world that is meant for me and my husband.
5. Since my surgery, I have not had chronic pelvic pain. And, I'm not in the bathroom every 45 minutes because my ovary is sitting on my bladder.
6. I'm down fifteen pounds to 163 lbs. I haven't been that weight since before I started TTC (over four years ago).


Well, I was going to try to come up with 10, but I feel a little stalled after these six. But it is good to remind myself that there ARE things in my life to be grateful for.

Back to Work

I survived my first two days back to work. I had some momentary dizziness today, but it passed after about half an hour. The big problem now is that I started having hot flashes today. I had a couple of little ones last week but they were so mild I could tell myself that I wasn't really having hot flashes. But today there was NO doubt what they were. And I feel really angry about it. I knew they were probably going to happen, Dr. Hofmann told me over and over (and over) about the risks. But I am still angry. I'm 27 and I don't want to deal with menopause. I know I am having a very immature mentality about it, but I just don't wanna. I called to get into my local gyn doc today to discuss HRT options and they can't see me until Sept And I called our local county children's services to ask for info about adoption through fostering on Monday and have not heard back from her yet. And that makes me angry!!!! I see a trend here :)
I really have been praying about all of this and praying for patience. I hope I can get myself together soon.

Sad but true

I found this "What Country are You?" quiz through my random blog stalking.

You're Afghanistan!

In the words of Bob Dylan, you "haven't known peace and quiet
in so long [you] don't remember what it's like!"  Sad but true.  Boss
after boss has led you around, using you for their nefarious purposes, and dumping you
when the time was right.  You've hurt and been hurt and now you're just sick and tired.
 When will people leave you alone and let you do your own thing?  But you
don't really even know what you want anymore.


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

A new option?

I had my post op appt. today. He told me I looked good and I looked like I had lost some weight (I haven't had much of an appetite, but I don't own a scale). He wants me to go back to work next week on Thursday, so I have a short week and then the weekend to recover before I go back for a full week. Makes sense to me I guess. He also brought up the idea of donor eggs again and then mentioned donor embryos. I had never even thought about that. So I consulted my best friend g00gle and did a little research. The cost of donor embyros is significantly less than donor eggs (anywhere from $2500-10,000) which is also cheaper than an international adoption and similar to a domestic adoption. Plus, I would be able to carry the child and feel it grow.
My husband and I have also been talking about adopting through fostering. We want a young child so it might take some time to get a child that we would be able to adopt, but I feel like we could provide a good stable home.
I still am feeling pretty tearful a lot of the time. A couple of nights ago I was watching tv and the Guardisil commercial got to me. Those young ladies on the cusp of womenhood, chanting about wanting to be "one less, one less". Before I knew it, I was bawling into my blanket.

Day Nine Post op

I haven't had any pain in several days. But goodness, I am tired all the time. Tommy had football conditioning last night, and all I did was just sit there for two hours. But by the time I got home, I was exhausted.
I just wish I could hurry up and recover. I'm ready to move on with my life. Just as soon as I figure out what it is I want. I want a baby so badly, but is it wrong to adopt when it feels like second place prize? And it's not like I have a ton of time. I know that I'm only 27 and dear husband is only 30, but it's not like we are getting in younger. And Tommy is 10!!!! At this rate, he might be in highschool by the time he gets a sibling.
Am I being selfish wanting another child? I have a good life, a good husband, a wonderful child, a job that pays me more than I am worth, a house that keeps me warm and safe. Is it too much to ask for another child? Is this punishment for mistakes I made in my early twenties? When I get upset, the phrase "it's not fair" spins through my head. But maybe it really is karma biting me in the ass.

A new chapter in my life

Well, I had my surgery last week ( one week ago today actually). Dr. Hofmann said that things looked even worse than he thought they would, but that he and Dr. Barnes (the oncologist) had gotten things cleaned up pretty well. My ovary was stuck on one side to my small bowel and on the other side to my uterus. Between removing it from those things and removing the large endometrioma, I now am the proud owner of 10% of my ovary. Meaning, I will never produce eggs again. Meaning I will never have another biological child of my own. And probably will have menopause now.
So I am healing pretty well physically. I haven't had to take anything for pain for three days now. And last night I was able to sleep on my side for the first time since then. I had a pretty large blood loss and I feel really tired each day. I'm down to about one nap a day.

Preop appt.

It seems ridiculous, but I had my pre-op appt. yesterday. Preop, surgery, post-op. Pre-op, surgery, post-op. I'm caught up in a vicious cycle :) My laparotomy is on Tuesday. I'm getting pretty nervous, but I'm hanging in okay.

In crazy news, my best friend is 29 wks. pregnant. She has a three year old daughter. At her 20 wk u/s she found out she was having another girl. This week, she had an u/s to check her fluid level, and they found a PENIS!!! She's having a boy! We are all so excited for her, but she's got a lot of stuff, including a pink carseat, to take back!

We put Parker, our toy poodle, in our pop up pool over the weekend and he loved it! He just swam circle after circle.

The dog has really become my "baby".

A bad day

I had my post op appt. Friday and it went pretty well. My dr. is confident that I will have significant pain relief from having another surgery and that there is a less than 1% chance of any bowel damage. Of course, he is still very concerned that I will be in menopause afterwards due to how much ovary he will have to remove to get all of the cyst out. He also said that even if I have enough ovarian tissue to produce eggs left, IVF is my only realistic option to conceive.
I woke up around 3:00 am this morning in SEVERE pain. Bad enough I considered going to the ER. After four motrin, two tylenol, and three hours it was back down to a tolerable level. But it meant I only got about four hours of sleep last night. Then today was my SIL first prenatal appt. I had to leave work early to get Tommy and my nephew from the drs office so that BIL could be with her for the appt. Talk about my own personal hell. The whole waiting area was filled with pregnant bellies and newborns. This is why I had to stop working Labor and Delivery. I'm just too hateful to do it anymore. I hate the way infertility has turned me into a bitter, spiteful, jealous person that I don't even recognize any more. And then, because we are going to dinner at my mother in laws tonight, SIL gave me a copy of the u/s picture to show them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As if hearing everyone ask her all weekend if she was feeling okay and if she was having much morning sickness wasn't bad enough. Everyone around me is pregnant. And most days I can deal with it. But today I am really having a hard time.

Two weeks post-op

I am finally feeling 100% back to normal following this surgery, which is great because after my laparotomy it took me about 5 weeks to feel this normal. I've still been struggling with a lot of questions and emotions. I have my post-op appt on Friday and hopefully will be able to make a decision and feel more settled after that.
I ran into my hometown GYN doc today and tried to ask her opinion. She said she needs to know what my ovary and tubes looked like before she gave me any advice. So she wants me to call her this weekend and let her know.
The dogs are doing well. They are finally settling into being around each other and are actually quite playful together. I gave Parker an at home grooming over the weekend (including hair clipping). Boy do I need practice with that! But he looks even smaller without all that hair.
People send me a lot of funny emails, but this is the funniest link I have gotten in a long time. Check it out if you get some time http://youtube.com/watch?v=bKRZv6NGjdc

Rinse, lather, and repeat

Well, I chickened out of calling the doctor today. For one because I'm afraid of what he will say, but also because I HATE phone tag. I would have to call the office, and leave a message for the nurse. Then the nurse would call back and I would have to give her all the questions. She would take them to the doctor, get the answers and then call me back. And if I had any follow up questions, we'd have to repeat the process. So, here's to waiting until June 22nd for my follow-up appt.

I went to work today and actually made it through the whole eight hours, so I guess I am recovering from the surgery. Now, if I could only recover mentally!

WEll, I can't have a baby, but I can have dogs! So, what did we do this weekend? Bought a new puppy, as if Jack (our ornery Jack Russell isn't enough). Here's a picture:

That black ball of fur is a minature poodle named Parker, and is the latest addition to our family. Hey, in my defense, my son is 10 and if I didn't get my maternal instincts out somewhere besides him, I would smother him!!!

Day 4 Post-op

My incision is healing nicely although today it has started to have that awful itching/burning feeling as it heals. I also continue to be quite sore and I can't wear non elastic pants.

I plan on spending my weekend as quietly and peacefully as possible, but we are going to go to the store this afternoon and get my husband a new grill for Father's Day. Our current one is going on 7 years old and is quite nasty. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep the new one sparkling clean?

I spoke with one of the OB-GYN docs yesterday at work (yes, I went back to work yesterday) and asked his advice. Of course, this is the one doctor out of 10 whose opinion I value least, but he cautioned me against having this other surgery. He said he knows of no technique out there that has worked to put the bowel back where it should be and keep it there. Apparently, it tends to migrate back out of place and stick to things it shouldn't. And every surgery will bring new adhesions to muck things up and cause more pain. Appealing words of wisdom huh? But, I try not to put too much thought into his words because.... A. It wasn't the answers and advice I was looking for and B. He's a shmuck. :)
I need to talk further with my doc, and I would love to talk with the oncologist as well. So, Monday I will make phone calls, but I think my repro guy might be on vacation next week. The nerve of the man to not be at my beck and call 24/7.

Had a great vacation which I guess was the universe's way of easing me into what came next.
I had my surgery on Tuesday. And it turned out to be nothing but an exploratory lap. I had adhesions pulling my bowel to my abdominal wall. Then, when he got down to the ovary, it was wrapped up in small bowel. So, they just closed me up and woke me up.

They have rescheduled my surgery for July 17th so that an gyn oncologist can be there to disect the bowel from ovary so that my doctor can remove the cysts.

I'm petty sore still but I finally feel awake. Yesterday, as soon as I would sit down or lay on the couch, I would be asleep. I'm just taking motrin for the pain and it seems to be relieving enough of the pain.

Here's a picture of my insides, the doctor gave it to my husband so I didn't get an explanation of what it was but I think it's my ovary and small bowel.

Here's a few pictures of vacation:

Thank God for vacations

I had my pre-op appt. yesterday. The nurse who drew my blood left a HUGE bruise on my arm (not a reassuring start). I signed my consent and we talked more about what would happen. He also promised that if he has to do the open surgery, that he would cut out my old scar so I wouldn't have this pucker on the left side anymore (whoo hoo!). Not that anyone ever sees it but me and my poor husband maybe once every couple weeks, but it's the little things that count.
Speaking of my poor husband, I have had so much pelvic pain and bleeding this past six weeks that our bedroom time has been severely limited. He's been a little more grouchy, but all in all, I'm really proud of him! He's been taking this very well.
We leave for Orlando on Monday. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. It's going to be a very exhausting week, but since my surgery is two days after we come home, I'm sure I will have plenty of time to rest after my surgery :)
My baby brother graduates high school on Sunday and I am so thankful. There were several times during the past couple of years that I really worried he wouldn't make it. He's so smart and such a hard worker, but he hangs out with the wrong kids and gets himself in bad situations. Now, I just have to worry about getting hime through college!
I'll post pictures when we get home.

My Surgery is Scheduled

After 10 days of talks, missed phone calls and frustration at crappy office staff, my surgery is scheduled for June 5th, exactly 2 days after we get home from vacation. I'm feeling REALLY nervous about it. The past 4 or 5 day, I haven't had any pain and my pants fit fine again, so I ask myself why I am having the surgery. But, I guess at this point, it is the only option for moving forward.
Mr. R and I had a very awkward encounter with TR's soccer coach over the weekend. After practice, all the families went to a local pizza joint to hang out and get to know each other. The coach was talking about they are pregnant with their fifth and due this August. Around that time, TR came over to get more quarters for video games. Mr. R. made a joke that we could only afford one child. The soccer coach proceeded to tell us that the best thing for their first born daughter was their second born and how it really taught her to be less selfish. It made feel like he thought we weren't have more children by choice, so I found myself blurting out "Actually, I have health problems that have kept us from having anymore." Then, I felt like an idiot because there was all this silence at the table before someone awkwardly changed the subject. I never know how to deal with the question "Is TR your only child?". Infertility has definitely made me more aware of what I say to others.

My repro doc appt

Eh, it went not so well. He told me that for whatever reason, at age 27, I have "galloping" endometriosis. He did an u/s and said that the endometrioma is now "only" 8.8cms but that surgery is really my only option, that it will not go away on his own. He also said he has true concerns about that when he removes it and the walls of it, that there might not be much ovarian tissue left. I may not be able to get pregnant without IVF, or even at all. He said I had a chance of having so little ovary left that it would throw me into menopause. He hopes to do it laprascopically, but depending on what he finds, and how much adhesions I have, he may have to do an open incision. At the end, he hugged me, told me he was sorry, and that life had dealt me a lousy hand. Not the encouragement I wanted. I cried for the first 45 minutes we were in the car. Then, we stopped for gas, and I went into use the bathroom. Walking out, I got a cramp in my leg, and I FELL onto the parking lot and scraped both of my knees and palms! I'm feeling a lot calmer now, but it was not the news Mr. R and I were hoping for.
And now I have all these thoughts and questions. Like:
1. So what happens if I don't have the surgery. He told me that it will not go away on it's own. But, at my first u/s in was 12.5 cms at the end of my cycle. Now it is 8.5 at mid-cycle. Could I take birth control pills or lupron to keep in smaller? And wait awhile before surgery?
2. Could we try to do IVF before removing it? Would it have any chance of success?
3. If I have surgery, what happens afterwards? What keeps me from getting another cyst? Should I go on meds afterwards to try to keep the endo under control? If I have enough ovary left to get my period, thten could we try IVF right away?
It was a bad day emotionally. I wonder sometime if I need therapy. When I brought it up
to Mr. R today, he didn't disagree. We went to Walmart this evening, and not only did I stare at the babies and pregnant bellies with envy, but every women of childbearing age that I passed, I couldn't help but be pissed about their healthy uteruses and ovaries. I seriously need help!