Updates

Last Wednesday I began bleeding. I am still bleeding, although it has slowed significantly. We went out of town for the holiday to Pittsburg to see dear husband's grandparents. They are two of the best people in the world.
I had my bloodwork repeated yesterday and my HCG is less than 1, so that's good (I guess). I talked to Cindy (my favorite nurse) and told her we wanted to go back on the donor embryo list. I thought it would be about six months long again and that would give us time to recover physically, emotionally and financially enough to make a good decision. However, apparently it's super short right now, because she told me to call with my next period and she would send the list out to me. She did say that they are low on embryos right now. When I told my husband about it last night, he told me he was done and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I told him that I didn't want to argue about it, but that giving up completely wasn't acceptable to me. I ended the converstation right then and there. We both need time to think and process, and having a big fight about it would not help things. Is it unfair of me not to be done? Before I knew that it would be so hard, I had always said that I would not drag the family I already had through hell to try to expand it. I just didn't realize that it would be our only option other than not expanding. I just don't know what to do. I need a break from all of this too. I'd like to be able to take off 10-15 lbs I've put on from all the hormones and pay down some of the debt that we've accumulated with all this trying. But time keeps flying by and we aren't getting any younger. I don't want to be having children much past 30 and I'll be 29 this fall.
Thinking about all of this makes me so angry. I used to be such a happy and fun person. Just another thing that infertility has taken from me.

Repeat Beta

is 8. So we're stopping meds and waiting for nature to take its course. In the meantime, we are having steak and margaritas for dinner. Might as well go down in flames, right? I cried (a lot) this morning after the call. Feeling much more numb about it all this evening.
On a side note, had a positive pregnancy test on First Response Early Results. So for anyone wondering, they must detect 8 or less. That's a pretty sensitive test.
I'm supposed to call the office when I start to bleed, and then we'll repeat the beta to make sure it gets down to zero. I guess after that we'll talk about where to go from here. So many decisions to make. Adoptions a pretty guaranteed thing (at least eventually), but for the price of a domestic adoption, we could try donor embryos at least three more times. Of course, that could be three more disappointments and no baby. Or we could take our luck with foster to adopt of an older child. Or, the least popular option, give up.

?

After Monday nights bleeding, I stopped my meds on Wednesday. I was cramping horribly, so I popped some motrin. I was tempted to skip my beta today, but I didn't. Drs office called at 10:20 with results. It was 5. Which isn't zero. The nurse's words were "It is extremely low". It was 5 last time, and they had me stop all meds and repeat in a week. Then it was 1. Well, this time she told me to continue meds and repeat in 48 hours. And then ended the conversation with "I'm sorry". If she's sorry, why do I need bother dragging this out? We all know how it's going to end. Does this even count as pregnant? As in a chemical pregnancy? Or is this not pregnant? I'm so damn confused.

And I think it's over

Last night before bed, when I went to the bathroom and wiped, there was blood. Not a cute couple of spots that one might mistake for implantation bleeding. Bright red streaks. It hasn't continued, but boy oh boy the cramping has. Plus, FRER remains negative, negative, negative.

6dpt

And a big fat negative on a First Response. The Pollyanna in me cries that there is still hope, but she sounds like she's crying from miles away. I am cramping something awful. Is it possible to start your period while still on PIOs and Estrace?
I don't know where we go from here. We have no frozen embryos left. So we would have to go back on the wait list. Or come up with money to finance a donor egg cycle. Or pursue adoption. Or just give the f**k up and be happy with what we have.

3dp5dt

and I am going crazy. Do I feel a little twinge here and there? What does that mean? When is too early to test. I spend half the evening asking "Honey, do you have any gut feelings? Do you think it worked? What does this mean, what does that mean?" My husband wishes I would shut up already. But I just can't help it. How am I going to make it another five days? And what am I going to do if it didn't work?

1dp5dt (or 8 more days until beta)

Yesterday we transferred a single 5 day. The RE and nurse assured us that it went beautifully, which is pretty much the kiss of death.

Twas the Night Before Transfer

If dear husband and I were part of the other 90% of the population, the fertile part, and we had conceived this cycle, I would have a tiny 30-60 celled mass traveling back through my fallopian tubes to find residence in my uterus as I write this. Instead, my boobs are swollen and sore, and my butt looks like a pin cushion (it doesn't feel too hot either). Tonight, instead of being warm and cozy in my body, the genetic cells of a couple other than us, sits frozen in the lab. Tomorrow morning, the embryologist will remove my embryo from the freezer and give it half an hour to thaw at room temperature. If all goes well, there is a 70% chance my embryo will thaw. A 70% chance my dreams will continue past tomorrow morning. Around 11:00my tiny little embryo will be transferred to my warm, pharmaceuticaly enhanced uterus.
Please thaw little baby. Give me a chance to dream again.

Same old song and dance

So, already, today was my u/s. It was a day early because RE is going on vacation tomorrow. Apparently he will still be on vacation Tuesday the day of my transfer but is coming in for a couple of hours to do a couple of procedures. He's the only doc in the practice, so I bet his wife really hates his job.
My lining today was 9.5mm. So, that's good enough. I have been really shut down about his cycle and really today was the first day I have let the tiniest ray of hope sneak through. I still feel like there are signs every where telling me to back off. Last week I drove by a church near my house and the sign said "It is dangerous to mistake our wishes for God's will".
I have a paper due Friday by 5pm that I have barely started on that is my final for that class, but at least when I get that done, I will have my first class over with. Why did I go back to school? Oh yeah, my job made me :)

Cold Feet

I'm starting to have second thoughts about trying again. I blame it on the finances, my brakes are squealing, I need new tires, my garbage disposal just died, gas is $3.91 a gallon here, and I just found out that dear son's daycamp this summer is $115 dollars/week. And those are all really, really good reasons to spend the money on something else. But, is that really why I want to chicken out? Or is it that I'm TERRIFIED of another failure and after all, I only have one left. The odds of one tiny little frozen embryo surviving the thaw and making it to a live delivery is so slim under the best of circumstance, let alone being one of five when the other four have already failed.
I was reading the local paper on Saturday. There is alway a religious column each week. This weeks was entitled "Sometimes God Says No". It had nothing to do with infertility, actually he was talking about a shuttle launch. But it has really got me thinking. If I could silence my heart and biological clock that is screaming, "TRY, TRY AGAIN" would I hear the faint whisper of God saying "no". It seems unthinkable, but is God trying to tell me this is not His plan? I've prayed and prayed about it. What path, what direction am I supposed to take? How do I know?

HAPPY NURSE'S DAY

This week is Nurse's Week and our hospital celebrated Nurse's Day today. Each year, the hospital gives out several awards. Someone must nominate you and then the committee talks with your co-workers to find out more about you. Today, I was nominated for the "Power of Change Award". I was up against 10 other fantastic, intelligent, wonderful nurses. And somehow I won. I feel so honored by my friends and co-workers.
So, for any nurses out there, CONGRATULATIONS! Every day you make a difference and touch lives.

Well

I survived the past week. At times, I definitely did not think I would. The same day I got my bad news, a co-worker found out she was pregnant. It was her second month trying. And the week before, she had gotten black-out drunk. Even knowing she was trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't even drink caffeine... But I digress. So, said co-worker has had some spotting, and actually CALLED ME AT HOME last night to ask what she should do!!!!!!!!!! I told her to call her doctor (just because I used to be a labor and delivery nurse does not make me an ob-gyn doctor). So, they got her in this morning to the office and did u/s. She was waving her pictures around all day. I don't begrudge her happiness, she should be happy and want to tell the whole world. I just wish I could put myself in a bubble so I didn't have to watch. We are all in cubicles, and she is close to me, so every phone call she makes, every person who walks by that she flags down to show her pictures to, I have to overhear. So not only do I feel devastated, I am suffering from low self esteem for being the person who hates her every time she says "I'm pregnant".
I had my blood redrawn today. My hcg was 1, so definitely negative and all gone. I started my period the other day. Tuesday I hurt so bad that when I got home from work, I laid in bed all evening on the heat pad. It's much better now.
I spoke with the office today, and we are going to try again right away. Our tax stimulus package will pay for about 2/3 of the cost, and we can come up with the rest without charging it. If this time with the one embryo doesn't work, we will have to go back on the list to wait for a new batch. If we decide to. I really wondered about the sanity of trying again. At this point shouldn't I just say "enough is enough" and be grateful for what I have? But I can't. I can't think about or focus on anything else. I feel like I'm cheating my son from having a full time real mother who focuses on him, who lives and breathes for him. I don't live my life in days, I live it in cycles just praying that at the end of this one, I will get what I hope and pray for.
I have decided I'm not telling anyone this time we cycle. No co-workers, no friends. I will come up with some kind of convincing lies for my time off work. That means that this blog and my poor husband will be my only outlet for these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it's time to invest in a new keyboard...

Negative

My hcg was 5. Which means a negative. The office wants me stop my estrace and PIO and have it redrawn next week to make sure it gets back down to 0.

A new day, a new freak out (8dpt)

So, here is a recap of my past 24 hours. DS got kicked in the ankle at soccer practice, we spent 3 hours in the pediatric urgent care, didn't get home until 11pm. I had to teach a class today, so there was no way I could call off work. Sent DS to my SIL this morning. Got up early to go to work, took pee test(from the dollar tree), couldn't see a line. Decided to stop by walmart, just to pick up a more expensive brand, so that may give me what I want to see. Locked my keys in my car at walmart, at 0615 am. Had to call my husband, wake him up to come unlock me. Took new test, also negative. However, as the day has went on, a very, very, faint line appeared. Tried to take a picture of it and other sticks. Line is too faint to show up in pictures. But here is one from this morning anyway?

So, what does this mean? I pray that it does not mean a nonviable pregnancy, but that is what I fear it means all at the same time. My beta is in the am. However, if anyone has any stories to tell of extremely faint positives at CD 28, 8dp6dt I could really use some encouragement right now.
Thanks for everyones well wishes.

A very faint line (7dpt)

Because I am a crazy, OCD woman, I dug yesterday morning's test out of the trash when I got home from work yesterday (just in case). And swore that if I held it just right, I could maybe see the faintest of faint lines. So I took another one, and again swore I could maybe just kinda see a faint, faint line. This morning, I took another with FMU, and it's definitely there. It's faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. But it's SO faint that now I'm worried about that. The couple who donated these embryos did get pregnant with this batch, but it ended up being a chemical pregancy. What if that is what is happening for me? I know that only time will tell, but I am FREAKING out about that now. But, for now, there is a faint line. Beta in two more days!

5dpt

I'm an idiot. I told myself I was going to wait until morning of beta to POAS. But, no..... I went to the dollar tree on Friday and bought 7. That's right s.e.v.e.n. At the dollar tree ( I couldn't even spring for the good ones????) And started peeing like a mad woman, Friday evening. Not even FMU. And of course, negative. Saturday morning, this morning, negative, negative, negative.

2dpt

Well, here I am, over 48 hours post transfer. And my transfer feels like it was 300 years ago. I'm so anxious to know if it worked or not. I had today off from work too, but I go back tomorrow. I did some very light yard work (watered some flowers and pulled some weeds), did more homework, did some light house work and a dear friend came over to visit. It has been the longest day ever. I even made a home made loaf of bread.
My boobs are still sore and this afternoon I've been sick to my stomach. What does this tell me? That PIO are a bi*ch... Seriously, it's way to early for the symptoms to be attributable to anything else. Isn't it? Oh how I hope the next week goes quickly, more so than the past 48 hours.

1DP6DT

I stayed laying down most of the day yesterday, but now, I am BORED! It's not even 10 and I have made myself a oatmeal (the old fashioned kind) ate, cleaned up the kitchen, done two loads of laundry (didn't lift anything heavy), read 4 chapters of my book, and taken a shower. I've got homework to work on, so that's my plan for this afternoon. I only have four days left of my estrace, so I called in my refill for that. My butt hurts (PIO) and boobs are really tender, but that started before the transfer (also the PIO's). My abdomen feels bloated this morning, and if I concentrate really hard, I'm maybe a little crampy. Of course, it could all be in my head. I had one time last night and once this morning that there was the slightest tinge of pink on the tissue when I wiped. But, the doc said that he transfered some growing medium in before the embryos and that it was pink, so I might notice some pink. Why wouldn't they make that sort of thing a different color, so that there is no mistaking it for bleeding. Would it really be so hard to make it green instead?
So, I'm now back off to the couch and my book for more laying down time. Please stick babies, please grow.

Transfer Day

My transfer today went well. Both embryos survived the thaw. One was a grade 1.5, the other a 2.0. The 2.0 wasn't fully re-expanded in this picture. I've tried to stay fairly horizontal today, but I've been up to the bathroom a lot. The transfer was very uncomfortable, just because of my bladder. I even relieved myself a little 3 times before the transfer began, but I obviously drank too much water.
I have my beta on April 24th. I don't know if I will POAS before then. I'm terrified of the answer. But for now, for today, I am pregnant with two little babies. Stick little babies, stick.

CD 19 (AKA the Night Before)

Tomorrow is the day. The past two months since we hit the top of the list as passed so quickly. I pray my ice babies thaw safely and find a nice warm haven in the lining of my uterus.
I'll let you all know tomorrow how it goes.

CD18

I had my u/s Thursday, and my uterine linging was 11mm. Dr. H assured me that was "great" but of course I came home and consulting dr. google as well. And now I'm freaked out because apparently there is something called a "triple stripe" lining that a person should have before transfer that Dr. H said nothing about. Sigh, what's a girl to do. I'm freaked about everything right now. Started my PIO's Thursday morning also, and oh my goodness does my behind hurt. I have bruises from each shot, and I feel like I have climbed 1,000,000 stair steps. I try to relax the muscle, I use the heat pad, I make my husband massage, but it still hurts. Not even so much when it goes in, but the aftermath...
Only two more day, two more days until it is out of all of our hands and into God's hands. What if it doesn't work? We've tried to limit who we told about, but most people that we work with know. How else do you take so many days off in the middle of a HUGE project at work without explaining to people why? So, if it doesn't work, how do I tell everyone? How do I live with it, knowing full well DH and I agreed that this is the last chance?
I am obsessed with this cycle. Even yesterday at the grocery store, I bought a gallon of milk with an expiration date of 4/25 and thought "by the time this milk expires, we will know if it worked." That's certifiably crazy.

CD12

I woke up this morning in my typical am haze, sat down to give myself my lupron, and freaked out when I saw I only gad 5 needles left. Then I realized, I only have 3 days of lupron left to give myself, because my u/s is THIS Thursday!!! Only 8 days left until transfer (providing everything goes as scheduled). From where I had to work so much last week, and so much of it nightshift (72 hours in 7 days), I had totally lost track of time. I can't believe it is right here around the corner. In some ways, I am so excited, but a very real portion of myself is dreading it. Dreading finding out the answer to whether this works or not. Dreading paying a loan payment 4 times a year for the next five years if it doesn't work. I'm just very scared.
Speaking of the 2ww, I'm wishing the best for my friend Miss. Stop over and wish her luck!
I'll let you know how Thursday goes!

Another Step

Today was the last day of my nuvaring. As long as AF visits in before then, I will start my Estrace on the 27th. It's so exciting and scary at the same time. I am getting better at giving myself the lupron shots each day. I only hesitate for 5-10 secs now. The first day or two, I would stare at the needle and my stomach for a good 60-90 seconds before getting the nerve up to actually do anything about it!
Tuesday we have our pyschological evaluation and to be honest, I am scared to death about it. Mostly because I have no idea what it will be like. It's so hard to put yourself out there to a perfect stranger. It's an odd place to be in, as we had our son so easily. I was 16 when we got pregnant, it was the first month we did the baby dance, it was so unexpected, so easy. 5 years ago when we started this journey for another child, I never expected for it to be so damn hard. Now, not only have we had countless tests, three surgeries, more physical and emotional pain than I could have ever imagined, we have to prove ourselves fit to parent another child.
I have so much hope and so much fear that this won't work. I tell myself that there is no reason I can't be in the 50% that are successful. After all, it seems meant to be. We are cycling in April (between our anniversary and DS birthday), we would be due Jan 6th, (one day after DH's 32nd birthday, his original cut off date for having more children) and our embryos were frozen 7/17/07, the date of my last surgery. I hope that it is all a good sign.
I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about our embryos genetic parents. And how incredible of them it was to make the decision to donate these tiny miracles in waiting. And how grateful I am to them for giving us the joy of hope, even if that ends up being all we get from this experience.

Pills and Needles

So, I got my box o'meds yesterday. I need to start my Lupron injections Saturday. I am so terrified of giving myself shots, even just the lupron subq's. But, whatever I have to do for a "shot" at a happy ending. Ha, ha, no pun intended. My meds only cost $107.50 out of pocket, insurance paid for a lot of it.
The nurse from RE's office called and left a message today. All of our blood work came back fine, so Yeah! Neither of us have the chlap or HIV.
Work has been very busy, but that's been good because it has kept me distracted from thinking about this cycle so much.

The ball is in motion

So, we had our appt today. We have settle on our set of embryos. They are 3 day 6 blasts. Mom was 32 (donor egg) and dad was 54. The couple did get pregnant, but then miscarried. Mom (DE) has brown hair and has hazel eyes, dad grey hair and blue eyes. If all goes well, and my uterus lines us nicely, we will have our transfer on April 15th. I start Lupron injections on March 15th. So, everything is on it's way.
The day of the transfer, they will thaw two. My doctor's office only transfers two. If one or both does not survive the thaw, then they would attempt to thaw the one remaining. The thaw rate is 70% with a pregnancy rate of 35-55% depending on the age of the eggs. We will be somewhere in the middle, because the eggs aren't real young, but aren't over 35.
It was a really neat appt, because we also got to meet with the embryologist who showed us pictures of embryos at different stages and what was "good" vs. not so good. All of our embies are at least grade 2.0 because they won't freeze embryos graded less than that. Grade 1 is the best, 4 is the worst.
Our next step is to wait to hear from the mail order pharmacy. Cindy, our nurse, will call our meds in tommorrow, then the pharmacy will check with our insurance to see which (if any) meds that they will pay for. Then, the pharmacy will contact us to collect payment and mail it out to us. Cindy gave my husband a crash course in intramuscular injections. I'll be able to give myself the lupron, but he's going to have to give me the progesterones in oil (in my hiney).
I will keep everyone updated!

We have received a list!

So, today we received the available embryos list. And it's interesting. Of course, not a single one has everything we would want, but there are a few that are pretty close. It's late, and I'm sleepy, so I will update more later this weekend with more details.
Baby dust to all!

I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a long time since I posted. Not much has happened in the past six months. Working hard, getting used to the idea of just the one child. Then, on Thursday, we recieved a call from RE's office to let us know we are a the top of the list for donor embryos! So, any day now, we will get a catalog of available embies to choose from. And, then we will choose and get started on the cycle. It's so exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. I am on Nuvaring now, and it is due to come out on March 4th. Once it comes out and I start my period, I will start BCP. We have an appt. March 6th at the clinic to sign our consents, meet with the RE to discuss the plan, and meet with the embryologist to find out what they do to thaw the embryos. Then, we also have to meet with a psychologist to determine that we are mentally sound enough. I have a meeting with my valic rep to find out what I have to do to borrow money from my 403b to finance this.
So, that's all the info I have for now. As this crazy journey continues to unfold, I plan to blog it all out for the world and for myself. If anyone has any advice on donor embryos, I would love to hear it!!