Updates

Last Wednesday I began bleeding. I am still bleeding, although it has slowed significantly. We went out of town for the holiday to Pittsburg to see dear husband's grandparents. They are two of the best people in the world.
I had my bloodwork repeated yesterday and my HCG is less than 1, so that's good (I guess). I talked to Cindy (my favorite nurse) and told her we wanted to go back on the donor embryo list. I thought it would be about six months long again and that would give us time to recover physically, emotionally and financially enough to make a good decision. However, apparently it's super short right now, because she told me to call with my next period and she would send the list out to me. She did say that they are low on embryos right now. When I told my husband about it last night, he told me he was done and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I told him that I didn't want to argue about it, but that giving up completely wasn't acceptable to me. I ended the converstation right then and there. We both need time to think and process, and having a big fight about it would not help things. Is it unfair of me not to be done? Before I knew that it would be so hard, I had always said that I would not drag the family I already had through hell to try to expand it. I just didn't realize that it would be our only option other than not expanding. I just don't know what to do. I need a break from all of this too. I'd like to be able to take off 10-15 lbs I've put on from all the hormones and pay down some of the debt that we've accumulated with all this trying. But time keeps flying by and we aren't getting any younger. I don't want to be having children much past 30 and I'll be 29 this fall.
Thinking about all of this makes me so angry. I used to be such a happy and fun person. Just another thing that infertility has taken from me.

Repeat Beta

is 8. So we're stopping meds and waiting for nature to take its course. In the meantime, we are having steak and margaritas for dinner. Might as well go down in flames, right? I cried (a lot) this morning after the call. Feeling much more numb about it all this evening.
On a side note, had a positive pregnancy test on First Response Early Results. So for anyone wondering, they must detect 8 or less. That's a pretty sensitive test.
I'm supposed to call the office when I start to bleed, and then we'll repeat the beta to make sure it gets down to zero. I guess after that we'll talk about where to go from here. So many decisions to make. Adoptions a pretty guaranteed thing (at least eventually), but for the price of a domestic adoption, we could try donor embryos at least three more times. Of course, that could be three more disappointments and no baby. Or we could take our luck with foster to adopt of an older child. Or, the least popular option, give up.

?

After Monday nights bleeding, I stopped my meds on Wednesday. I was cramping horribly, so I popped some motrin. I was tempted to skip my beta today, but I didn't. Drs office called at 10:20 with results. It was 5. Which isn't zero. The nurse's words were "It is extremely low". It was 5 last time, and they had me stop all meds and repeat in a week. Then it was 1. Well, this time she told me to continue meds and repeat in 48 hours. And then ended the conversation with "I'm sorry". If she's sorry, why do I need bother dragging this out? We all know how it's going to end. Does this even count as pregnant? As in a chemical pregnancy? Or is this not pregnant? I'm so damn confused.

And I think it's over

Last night before bed, when I went to the bathroom and wiped, there was blood. Not a cute couple of spots that one might mistake for implantation bleeding. Bright red streaks. It hasn't continued, but boy oh boy the cramping has. Plus, FRER remains negative, negative, negative.

6dpt

And a big fat negative on a First Response. The Pollyanna in me cries that there is still hope, but she sounds like she's crying from miles away. I am cramping something awful. Is it possible to start your period while still on PIOs and Estrace?
I don't know where we go from here. We have no frozen embryos left. So we would have to go back on the wait list. Or come up with money to finance a donor egg cycle. Or pursue adoption. Or just give the f**k up and be happy with what we have.

3dp5dt

and I am going crazy. Do I feel a little twinge here and there? What does that mean? When is too early to test. I spend half the evening asking "Honey, do you have any gut feelings? Do you think it worked? What does this mean, what does that mean?" My husband wishes I would shut up already. But I just can't help it. How am I going to make it another five days? And what am I going to do if it didn't work?

1dp5dt (or 8 more days until beta)

Yesterday we transferred a single 5 day. The RE and nurse assured us that it went beautifully, which is pretty much the kiss of death.