Repeat Beta

is 8. So we're stopping meds and waiting for nature to take its course. In the meantime, we are having steak and margaritas for dinner. Might as well go down in flames, right? I cried (a lot) this morning after the call. Feeling much more numb about it all this evening.
On a side note, had a positive pregnancy test on First Response Early Results. So for anyone wondering, they must detect 8 or less. That's a pretty sensitive test.
I'm supposed to call the office when I start to bleed, and then we'll repeat the beta to make sure it gets down to zero. I guess after that we'll talk about where to go from here. So many decisions to make. Adoptions a pretty guaranteed thing (at least eventually), but for the price of a domestic adoption, we could try donor embryos at least three more times. Of course, that could be three more disappointments and no baby. Or we could take our luck with foster to adopt of an older child. Or, the least popular option, give up.

?

After Monday nights bleeding, I stopped my meds on Wednesday. I was cramping horribly, so I popped some motrin. I was tempted to skip my beta today, but I didn't. Drs office called at 10:20 with results. It was 5. Which isn't zero. The nurse's words were "It is extremely low". It was 5 last time, and they had me stop all meds and repeat in a week. Then it was 1. Well, this time she told me to continue meds and repeat in 48 hours. And then ended the conversation with "I'm sorry". If she's sorry, why do I need bother dragging this out? We all know how it's going to end. Does this even count as pregnant? As in a chemical pregnancy? Or is this not pregnant? I'm so damn confused.

And I think it's over

Last night before bed, when I went to the bathroom and wiped, there was blood. Not a cute couple of spots that one might mistake for implantation bleeding. Bright red streaks. It hasn't continued, but boy oh boy the cramping has. Plus, FRER remains negative, negative, negative.

6dpt

And a big fat negative on a First Response. The Pollyanna in me cries that there is still hope, but she sounds like she's crying from miles away. I am cramping something awful. Is it possible to start your period while still on PIOs and Estrace?
I don't know where we go from here. We have no frozen embryos left. So we would have to go back on the wait list. Or come up with money to finance a donor egg cycle. Or pursue adoption. Or just give the f**k up and be happy with what we have.

3dp5dt

and I am going crazy. Do I feel a little twinge here and there? What does that mean? When is too early to test. I spend half the evening asking "Honey, do you have any gut feelings? Do you think it worked? What does this mean, what does that mean?" My husband wishes I would shut up already. But I just can't help it. How am I going to make it another five days? And what am I going to do if it didn't work?

1dp5dt (or 8 more days until beta)

Yesterday we transferred a single 5 day. The RE and nurse assured us that it went beautifully, which is pretty much the kiss of death.

Twas the Night Before Transfer

If dear husband and I were part of the other 90% of the population, the fertile part, and we had conceived this cycle, I would have a tiny 30-60 celled mass traveling back through my fallopian tubes to find residence in my uterus as I write this. Instead, my boobs are swollen and sore, and my butt looks like a pin cushion (it doesn't feel too hot either). Tonight, instead of being warm and cozy in my body, the genetic cells of a couple other than us, sits frozen in the lab. Tomorrow morning, the embryologist will remove my embryo from the freezer and give it half an hour to thaw at room temperature. If all goes well, there is a 70% chance my embryo will thaw. A 70% chance my dreams will continue past tomorrow morning. Around 11:00my tiny little embryo will be transferred to my warm, pharmaceuticaly enhanced uterus.
Please thaw little baby. Give me a chance to dream again.

Same old song and dance

So, already, today was my u/s. It was a day early because RE is going on vacation tomorrow. Apparently he will still be on vacation Tuesday the day of my transfer but is coming in for a couple of hours to do a couple of procedures. He's the only doc in the practice, so I bet his wife really hates his job.
My lining today was 9.5mm. So, that's good enough. I have been really shut down about his cycle and really today was the first day I have let the tiniest ray of hope sneak through. I still feel like there are signs every where telling me to back off. Last week I drove by a church near my house and the sign said "It is dangerous to mistake our wishes for God's will".
I have a paper due Friday by 5pm that I have barely started on that is my final for that class, but at least when I get that done, I will have my first class over with. Why did I go back to school? Oh yeah, my job made me :)