A Loss

I went yesterday for my ob-gyn appt and u/s. Baby B died. Probably right after my last u/s. It was only measuring 11 weeks. Baby A looks good,moving, yawning and hiccuping. The u/s tech thinks she is a girl.
I'm trying to focus on the good in this. But I feel so sad and weepy. I stare at the pictures they gave me of her, but all I see in my mind is Baby B on the screen, so, so small.
I knew right away what had happened. When she turned the u/s on, you could see Baby A, big and moving, and a small baby shaped blob next to it. She didnt say anything, just did baby A's measurements, then said she needed the doctor to come in and look at something. When they came in, the u/s tech measured for cardiac motion. I will never forget that blank screen.

14 wks 2 days

and still pregnant! Every day seems like such a miracle. I think that I have felt a few flutters over the past week. I know it's very early still. I can't wait to start feeling hard kicks!

Here are a few belly pictures:

10 weeks 2 days


11 weeks 2 days


and one today at 14 weeks 2 days

12 weeks 6 days

Things are still going well here in waiting land. Life is busy, working full time, we went to Cleveland and saw Nickleback in concert and went the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this past weekend.
DH and I have been helping in junior church (4-6 year olds) each week at church. We average 25-30 children a week. It's a lot of fun but it wears me out, especially in my current condition. Today, the children's pastor called and left a message that said that the lead teacher of the class has decided she needs to step down so would we be interested in teaching. I just don't know if I should tke on that kind of committment right now. What if I end up on bedrest in the next couple of months? What should I do?

11 weeks 5 days

Had another OBGYN appointment today and look!







Aren't they the prettiest things you've ever seen!

Long Time, no post

Well, a lot has happened in the past year. In February, we came back up on the list for donated embryos. Choosing embryos was complicated -- finding donors that we were happy with, then someone else had chosen them before us. So, then we had to choose again. But we found embryos we were happy with. On June 8th we transferred two high grade embryos. On June 13, 5dp5dt we a had a positive home pregnancy test. At 7dp5dt, our beta was 96. Two days later, it was 194. Our 5 week u/s showed two gestational and two yolk sacs! At 7 weeks, we saw two hearteats! I am currently 11 weeks 4 days pregant with fraternal twins.
The past couple of months have been such a whirl wind. We can't believe this is finally happening for us! God has blessed us in so many ways. Tommy will be starting junior high in a couple of weeks and now we have two more on the way.
I didn't show until 7 months with Tommy. I'm kind of disappointed because I am still not showing at all. I thought since this was the second pregnancy and that there were two (plus I'm heavier now)that you would be able to tell by now.

Updates

Last Wednesday I began bleeding. I am still bleeding, although it has slowed significantly. We went out of town for the holiday to Pittsburg to see dear husband's grandparents. They are two of the best people in the world.
I had my bloodwork repeated yesterday and my HCG is less than 1, so that's good (I guess). I talked to Cindy (my favorite nurse) and told her we wanted to go back on the donor embryo list. I thought it would be about six months long again and that would give us time to recover physically, emotionally and financially enough to make a good decision. However, apparently it's super short right now, because she told me to call with my next period and she would send the list out to me. She did say that they are low on embryos right now. When I told my husband about it last night, he told me he was done and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I told him that I didn't want to argue about it, but that giving up completely wasn't acceptable to me. I ended the converstation right then and there. We both need time to think and process, and having a big fight about it would not help things. Is it unfair of me not to be done? Before I knew that it would be so hard, I had always said that I would not drag the family I already had through hell to try to expand it. I just didn't realize that it would be our only option other than not expanding. I just don't know what to do. I need a break from all of this too. I'd like to be able to take off 10-15 lbs I've put on from all the hormones and pay down some of the debt that we've accumulated with all this trying. But time keeps flying by and we aren't getting any younger. I don't want to be having children much past 30 and I'll be 29 this fall.
Thinking about all of this makes me so angry. I used to be such a happy and fun person. Just another thing that infertility has taken from me.

Repeat Beta

is 8. So we're stopping meds and waiting for nature to take its course. In the meantime, we are having steak and margaritas for dinner. Might as well go down in flames, right? I cried (a lot) this morning after the call. Feeling much more numb about it all this evening.
On a side note, had a positive pregnancy test on First Response Early Results. So for anyone wondering, they must detect 8 or less. That's a pretty sensitive test.
I'm supposed to call the office when I start to bleed, and then we'll repeat the beta to make sure it gets down to zero. I guess after that we'll talk about where to go from here. So many decisions to make. Adoptions a pretty guaranteed thing (at least eventually), but for the price of a domestic adoption, we could try donor embryos at least three more times. Of course, that could be three more disappointments and no baby. Or we could take our luck with foster to adopt of an older child. Or, the least popular option, give up.