Well

I survived the past week. At times, I definitely did not think I would. The same day I got my bad news, a co-worker found out she was pregnant. It was her second month trying. And the week before, she had gotten black-out drunk. Even knowing she was trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't even drink caffeine... But I digress. So, said co-worker has had some spotting, and actually CALLED ME AT HOME last night to ask what she should do!!!!!!!!!! I told her to call her doctor (just because I used to be a labor and delivery nurse does not make me an ob-gyn doctor). So, they got her in this morning to the office and did u/s. She was waving her pictures around all day. I don't begrudge her happiness, she should be happy and want to tell the whole world. I just wish I could put myself in a bubble so I didn't have to watch. We are all in cubicles, and she is close to me, so every phone call she makes, every person who walks by that she flags down to show her pictures to, I have to overhear. So not only do I feel devastated, I am suffering from low self esteem for being the person who hates her every time she says "I'm pregnant".
I had my blood redrawn today. My hcg was 1, so definitely negative and all gone. I started my period the other day. Tuesday I hurt so bad that when I got home from work, I laid in bed all evening on the heat pad. It's much better now.
I spoke with the office today, and we are going to try again right away. Our tax stimulus package will pay for about 2/3 of the cost, and we can come up with the rest without charging it. If this time with the one embryo doesn't work, we will have to go back on the list to wait for a new batch. If we decide to. I really wondered about the sanity of trying again. At this point shouldn't I just say "enough is enough" and be grateful for what I have? But I can't. I can't think about or focus on anything else. I feel like I'm cheating my son from having a full time real mother who focuses on him, who lives and breathes for him. I don't live my life in days, I live it in cycles just praying that at the end of this one, I will get what I hope and pray for.
I have decided I'm not telling anyone this time we cycle. No co-workers, no friends. I will come up with some kind of convincing lies for my time off work. That means that this blog and my poor husband will be my only outlet for these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it's time to invest in a new keyboard...