Cold Feet

I'm starting to have second thoughts about trying again. I blame it on the finances, my brakes are squealing, I need new tires, my garbage disposal just died, gas is $3.91 a gallon here, and I just found out that dear son's daycamp this summer is $115 dollars/week. And those are all really, really good reasons to spend the money on something else. But, is that really why I want to chicken out? Or is it that I'm TERRIFIED of another failure and after all, I only have one left. The odds of one tiny little frozen embryo surviving the thaw and making it to a live delivery is so slim under the best of circumstance, let alone being one of five when the other four have already failed.
I was reading the local paper on Saturday. There is alway a religious column each week. This weeks was entitled "Sometimes God Says No". It had nothing to do with infertility, actually he was talking about a shuttle launch. But it has really got me thinking. If I could silence my heart and biological clock that is screaming, "TRY, TRY AGAIN" would I hear the faint whisper of God saying "no". It seems unthinkable, but is God trying to tell me this is not His plan? I've prayed and prayed about it. What path, what direction am I supposed to take? How do I know?

HAPPY NURSE'S DAY

This week is Nurse's Week and our hospital celebrated Nurse's Day today. Each year, the hospital gives out several awards. Someone must nominate you and then the committee talks with your co-workers to find out more about you. Today, I was nominated for the "Power of Change Award". I was up against 10 other fantastic, intelligent, wonderful nurses. And somehow I won. I feel so honored by my friends and co-workers.
So, for any nurses out there, CONGRATULATIONS! Every day you make a difference and touch lives.

Well

I survived the past week. At times, I definitely did not think I would. The same day I got my bad news, a co-worker found out she was pregnant. It was her second month trying. And the week before, she had gotten black-out drunk. Even knowing she was trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't even drink caffeine... But I digress. So, said co-worker has had some spotting, and actually CALLED ME AT HOME last night to ask what she should do!!!!!!!!!! I told her to call her doctor (just because I used to be a labor and delivery nurse does not make me an ob-gyn doctor). So, they got her in this morning to the office and did u/s. She was waving her pictures around all day. I don't begrudge her happiness, she should be happy and want to tell the whole world. I just wish I could put myself in a bubble so I didn't have to watch. We are all in cubicles, and she is close to me, so every phone call she makes, every person who walks by that she flags down to show her pictures to, I have to overhear. So not only do I feel devastated, I am suffering from low self esteem for being the person who hates her every time she says "I'm pregnant".
I had my blood redrawn today. My hcg was 1, so definitely negative and all gone. I started my period the other day. Tuesday I hurt so bad that when I got home from work, I laid in bed all evening on the heat pad. It's much better now.
I spoke with the office today, and we are going to try again right away. Our tax stimulus package will pay for about 2/3 of the cost, and we can come up with the rest without charging it. If this time with the one embryo doesn't work, we will have to go back on the list to wait for a new batch. If we decide to. I really wondered about the sanity of trying again. At this point shouldn't I just say "enough is enough" and be grateful for what I have? But I can't. I can't think about or focus on anything else. I feel like I'm cheating my son from having a full time real mother who focuses on him, who lives and breathes for him. I don't live my life in days, I live it in cycles just praying that at the end of this one, I will get what I hope and pray for.
I have decided I'm not telling anyone this time we cycle. No co-workers, no friends. I will come up with some kind of convincing lies for my time off work. That means that this blog and my poor husband will be my only outlet for these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it's time to invest in a new keyboard...