20 wks 5 days and a Happy Birthday

Today is my 30th birthday. Six years ago, when I turned 24, DH and I had been trying for baby 2 for four months and I was just sure that by the time I turned 25, we would have another child. Year after year has passed, but this year dear husband and I celebrated my birthday with fizzy lemonades rather than wine. Today I am 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. For my birthday, my husband bought me new pandora beads, including the little girl and a baby booty. I have had a hard time since the loss of my twin, but feel so excited for the life still within me. I feel her kick and move more and more everyday. We spend a lot of time praying that this pregnancy will continue and they she will grow bigger and stronger every day.
I had a level two u/s with Ohio State Maternal Fetal Medicine at 17 weeks and all look good. The other baby is still there and visible, but does not seem to being posing a threat to our daughter. She has all of her pieces and parts and nothing extra.

A Loss

I went yesterday for my ob-gyn appt and u/s. Baby B died. Probably right after my last u/s. It was only measuring 11 weeks. Baby A looks good,moving, yawning and hiccuping. The u/s tech thinks she is a girl.
I'm trying to focus on the good in this. But I feel so sad and weepy. I stare at the pictures they gave me of her, but all I see in my mind is Baby B on the screen, so, so small.
I knew right away what had happened. When she turned the u/s on, you could see Baby A, big and moving, and a small baby shaped blob next to it. She didnt say anything, just did baby A's measurements, then said she needed the doctor to come in and look at something. When they came in, the u/s tech measured for cardiac motion. I will never forget that blank screen.

14 wks 2 days

and still pregnant! Every day seems like such a miracle. I think that I have felt a few flutters over the past week. I know it's very early still. I can't wait to start feeling hard kicks!

Here are a few belly pictures:

10 weeks 2 days


11 weeks 2 days


and one today at 14 weeks 2 days

12 weeks 6 days

Things are still going well here in waiting land. Life is busy, working full time, we went to Cleveland and saw Nickleback in concert and went the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this past weekend.
DH and I have been helping in junior church (4-6 year olds) each week at church. We average 25-30 children a week. It's a lot of fun but it wears me out, especially in my current condition. Today, the children's pastor called and left a message that said that the lead teacher of the class has decided she needs to step down so would we be interested in teaching. I just don't know if I should tke on that kind of committment right now. What if I end up on bedrest in the next couple of months? What should I do?

11 weeks 5 days

Had another OBGYN appointment today and look!







Aren't they the prettiest things you've ever seen!

Long Time, no post

Well, a lot has happened in the past year. In February, we came back up on the list for donated embryos. Choosing embryos was complicated -- finding donors that we were happy with, then someone else had chosen them before us. So, then we had to choose again. But we found embryos we were happy with. On June 8th we transferred two high grade embryos. On June 13, 5dp5dt we a had a positive home pregnancy test. At 7dp5dt, our beta was 96. Two days later, it was 194. Our 5 week u/s showed two gestational and two yolk sacs! At 7 weeks, we saw two hearteats! I am currently 11 weeks 4 days pregant with fraternal twins.
The past couple of months have been such a whirl wind. We can't believe this is finally happening for us! God has blessed us in so many ways. Tommy will be starting junior high in a couple of weeks and now we have two more on the way.
I didn't show until 7 months with Tommy. I'm kind of disappointed because I am still not showing at all. I thought since this was the second pregnancy and that there were two (plus I'm heavier now)that you would be able to tell by now.

Updates

Last Wednesday I began bleeding. I am still bleeding, although it has slowed significantly. We went out of town for the holiday to Pittsburg to see dear husband's grandparents. They are two of the best people in the world.
I had my bloodwork repeated yesterday and my HCG is less than 1, so that's good (I guess). I talked to Cindy (my favorite nurse) and told her we wanted to go back on the donor embryo list. I thought it would be about six months long again and that would give us time to recover physically, emotionally and financially enough to make a good decision. However, apparently it's super short right now, because she told me to call with my next period and she would send the list out to me. She did say that they are low on embryos right now. When I told my husband about it last night, he told me he was done and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I told him that I didn't want to argue about it, but that giving up completely wasn't acceptable to me. I ended the converstation right then and there. We both need time to think and process, and having a big fight about it would not help things. Is it unfair of me not to be done? Before I knew that it would be so hard, I had always said that I would not drag the family I already had through hell to try to expand it. I just didn't realize that it would be our only option other than not expanding. I just don't know what to do. I need a break from all of this too. I'd like to be able to take off 10-15 lbs I've put on from all the hormones and pay down some of the debt that we've accumulated with all this trying. But time keeps flying by and we aren't getting any younger. I don't want to be having children much past 30 and I'll be 29 this fall.
Thinking about all of this makes me so angry. I used to be such a happy and fun person. Just another thing that infertility has taken from me.

Repeat Beta

is 8. So we're stopping meds and waiting for nature to take its course. In the meantime, we are having steak and margaritas for dinner. Might as well go down in flames, right? I cried (a lot) this morning after the call. Feeling much more numb about it all this evening.
On a side note, had a positive pregnancy test on First Response Early Results. So for anyone wondering, they must detect 8 or less. That's a pretty sensitive test.
I'm supposed to call the office when I start to bleed, and then we'll repeat the beta to make sure it gets down to zero. I guess after that we'll talk about where to go from here. So many decisions to make. Adoptions a pretty guaranteed thing (at least eventually), but for the price of a domestic adoption, we could try donor embryos at least three more times. Of course, that could be three more disappointments and no baby. Or we could take our luck with foster to adopt of an older child. Or, the least popular option, give up.

?

After Monday nights bleeding, I stopped my meds on Wednesday. I was cramping horribly, so I popped some motrin. I was tempted to skip my beta today, but I didn't. Drs office called at 10:20 with results. It was 5. Which isn't zero. The nurse's words were "It is extremely low". It was 5 last time, and they had me stop all meds and repeat in a week. Then it was 1. Well, this time she told me to continue meds and repeat in 48 hours. And then ended the conversation with "I'm sorry". If she's sorry, why do I need bother dragging this out? We all know how it's going to end. Does this even count as pregnant? As in a chemical pregnancy? Or is this not pregnant? I'm so damn confused.

And I think it's over

Last night before bed, when I went to the bathroom and wiped, there was blood. Not a cute couple of spots that one might mistake for implantation bleeding. Bright red streaks. It hasn't continued, but boy oh boy the cramping has. Plus, FRER remains negative, negative, negative.

6dpt

And a big fat negative on a First Response. The Pollyanna in me cries that there is still hope, but she sounds like she's crying from miles away. I am cramping something awful. Is it possible to start your period while still on PIOs and Estrace?
I don't know where we go from here. We have no frozen embryos left. So we would have to go back on the wait list. Or come up with money to finance a donor egg cycle. Or pursue adoption. Or just give the f**k up and be happy with what we have.

3dp5dt

and I am going crazy. Do I feel a little twinge here and there? What does that mean? When is too early to test. I spend half the evening asking "Honey, do you have any gut feelings? Do you think it worked? What does this mean, what does that mean?" My husband wishes I would shut up already. But I just can't help it. How am I going to make it another five days? And what am I going to do if it didn't work?

1dp5dt (or 8 more days until beta)

Yesterday we transferred a single 5 day. The RE and nurse assured us that it went beautifully, which is pretty much the kiss of death.

Twas the Night Before Transfer

If dear husband and I were part of the other 90% of the population, the fertile part, and we had conceived this cycle, I would have a tiny 30-60 celled mass traveling back through my fallopian tubes to find residence in my uterus as I write this. Instead, my boobs are swollen and sore, and my butt looks like a pin cushion (it doesn't feel too hot either). Tonight, instead of being warm and cozy in my body, the genetic cells of a couple other than us, sits frozen in the lab. Tomorrow morning, the embryologist will remove my embryo from the freezer and give it half an hour to thaw at room temperature. If all goes well, there is a 70% chance my embryo will thaw. A 70% chance my dreams will continue past tomorrow morning. Around 11:00my tiny little embryo will be transferred to my warm, pharmaceuticaly enhanced uterus.
Please thaw little baby. Give me a chance to dream again.

Same old song and dance

So, already, today was my u/s. It was a day early because RE is going on vacation tomorrow. Apparently he will still be on vacation Tuesday the day of my transfer but is coming in for a couple of hours to do a couple of procedures. He's the only doc in the practice, so I bet his wife really hates his job.
My lining today was 9.5mm. So, that's good enough. I have been really shut down about his cycle and really today was the first day I have let the tiniest ray of hope sneak through. I still feel like there are signs every where telling me to back off. Last week I drove by a church near my house and the sign said "It is dangerous to mistake our wishes for God's will".
I have a paper due Friday by 5pm that I have barely started on that is my final for that class, but at least when I get that done, I will have my first class over with. Why did I go back to school? Oh yeah, my job made me :)

Cold Feet

I'm starting to have second thoughts about trying again. I blame it on the finances, my brakes are squealing, I need new tires, my garbage disposal just died, gas is $3.91 a gallon here, and I just found out that dear son's daycamp this summer is $115 dollars/week. And those are all really, really good reasons to spend the money on something else. But, is that really why I want to chicken out? Or is it that I'm TERRIFIED of another failure and after all, I only have one left. The odds of one tiny little frozen embryo surviving the thaw and making it to a live delivery is so slim under the best of circumstance, let alone being one of five when the other four have already failed.
I was reading the local paper on Saturday. There is alway a religious column each week. This weeks was entitled "Sometimes God Says No". It had nothing to do with infertility, actually he was talking about a shuttle launch. But it has really got me thinking. If I could silence my heart and biological clock that is screaming, "TRY, TRY AGAIN" would I hear the faint whisper of God saying "no". It seems unthinkable, but is God trying to tell me this is not His plan? I've prayed and prayed about it. What path, what direction am I supposed to take? How do I know?

HAPPY NURSE'S DAY

This week is Nurse's Week and our hospital celebrated Nurse's Day today. Each year, the hospital gives out several awards. Someone must nominate you and then the committee talks with your co-workers to find out more about you. Today, I was nominated for the "Power of Change Award". I was up against 10 other fantastic, intelligent, wonderful nurses. And somehow I won. I feel so honored by my friends and co-workers.
So, for any nurses out there, CONGRATULATIONS! Every day you make a difference and touch lives.

Well

I survived the past week. At times, I definitely did not think I would. The same day I got my bad news, a co-worker found out she was pregnant. It was her second month trying. And the week before, she had gotten black-out drunk. Even knowing she was trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't even drink caffeine... But I digress. So, said co-worker has had some spotting, and actually CALLED ME AT HOME last night to ask what she should do!!!!!!!!!! I told her to call her doctor (just because I used to be a labor and delivery nurse does not make me an ob-gyn doctor). So, they got her in this morning to the office and did u/s. She was waving her pictures around all day. I don't begrudge her happiness, she should be happy and want to tell the whole world. I just wish I could put myself in a bubble so I didn't have to watch. We are all in cubicles, and she is close to me, so every phone call she makes, every person who walks by that she flags down to show her pictures to, I have to overhear. So not only do I feel devastated, I am suffering from low self esteem for being the person who hates her every time she says "I'm pregnant".
I had my blood redrawn today. My hcg was 1, so definitely negative and all gone. I started my period the other day. Tuesday I hurt so bad that when I got home from work, I laid in bed all evening on the heat pad. It's much better now.
I spoke with the office today, and we are going to try again right away. Our tax stimulus package will pay for about 2/3 of the cost, and we can come up with the rest without charging it. If this time with the one embryo doesn't work, we will have to go back on the list to wait for a new batch. If we decide to. I really wondered about the sanity of trying again. At this point shouldn't I just say "enough is enough" and be grateful for what I have? But I can't. I can't think about or focus on anything else. I feel like I'm cheating my son from having a full time real mother who focuses on him, who lives and breathes for him. I don't live my life in days, I live it in cycles just praying that at the end of this one, I will get what I hope and pray for.
I have decided I'm not telling anyone this time we cycle. No co-workers, no friends. I will come up with some kind of convincing lies for my time off work. That means that this blog and my poor husband will be my only outlet for these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it's time to invest in a new keyboard...

Negative

My hcg was 5. Which means a negative. The office wants me stop my estrace and PIO and have it redrawn next week to make sure it gets back down to 0.

A new day, a new freak out (8dpt)

So, here is a recap of my past 24 hours. DS got kicked in the ankle at soccer practice, we spent 3 hours in the pediatric urgent care, didn't get home until 11pm. I had to teach a class today, so there was no way I could call off work. Sent DS to my SIL this morning. Got up early to go to work, took pee test(from the dollar tree), couldn't see a line. Decided to stop by walmart, just to pick up a more expensive brand, so that may give me what I want to see. Locked my keys in my car at walmart, at 0615 am. Had to call my husband, wake him up to come unlock me. Took new test, also negative. However, as the day has went on, a very, very, faint line appeared. Tried to take a picture of it and other sticks. Line is too faint to show up in pictures. But here is one from this morning anyway?

So, what does this mean? I pray that it does not mean a nonviable pregnancy, but that is what I fear it means all at the same time. My beta is in the am. However, if anyone has any stories to tell of extremely faint positives at CD 28, 8dp6dt I could really use some encouragement right now.
Thanks for everyones well wishes.