Donor Embryo Blog

20 wks 5 days and a Happy Birthday

2009-10-11T19:58:00.003-04:00

Today is my 30th birthday. Six years ago, when I turned 24, DH and I had been trying for baby 2 for four months and I was just sure that by the time I turned 25, we would have another child. Year after year has passed, but this year dear husband and I celebrated my birthday with fizzy lemonades rather than wine. Today I am 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. For my birthday, my husband bought me new pandora beads, including the little girl and a baby booty. I have had a hard time since the loss of my twin, but feel so excited for the life still within me. I feel her kick and move more and more everyday. We spend a lot of time praying that this pregnancy will continue and they she will grow bigger and stronger every day.
I had a level two u/s with Ohio State Maternal Fetal Medicine at 17 weeks and all look good. The other baby is still there and visible, but does not seem to being posing a threat to our daughter. She has all of her pieces and parts and nothing extra.

A Loss

2009-09-10T07:39:00.002-04:00

I went yesterday for my ob-gyn appt and u/s. Baby B died. Probably right after my last u/s. It was only measuring 11 weeks. Baby A looks good,moving, yawning and hiccuping. The u/s tech thinks she is a girl.
I'm trying to focus on the good in this. But I feel so sad and weepy. I stare at the pictures they gave me of her, but all I see in my mind is Baby B on the screen, so, so small.
I knew right away what had happened. When she turned the u/s on, you could see Baby A, big and moving, and a small baby shaped blob next to it. She didnt say anything, just did baby A's measurements, then said she needed the doctor to come in and look at something. When they came in, the u/s tech measured for cardiac motion. I will never forget that blank screen.

14 wks 2 days

2009-08-28T20:33:00.006-04:00

and still pregnant! Every day seems like such a miracle. I think that I have felt a few flutters over the past week. I know it's very early still. I can't wait to start feeling hard kicks!

Here are a few belly pictures:

10 weeks 2 days

11 weeks 2 days

and one today at 14 weeks 2 days

12 weeks 6 days

2009-08-18T16:22:00.002-04:00

Things are still going well here in waiting land. Life is busy, working full time, we went to Cleveland and saw Nickleback in concert and went the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this past weekend.
DH and I have been helping in junior church (4-6 year olds) each week at church. We average 25-30 children a week. It's a lot of fun but it wears me out, especially in my current condition. Today, the children's pastor called and left a message that said that the lead teacher of the class has decided she needs to step down so would we be interested in teaching. I just don't know if I should tke on that kind of committment right now. What if I end up on bedrest in the next couple of months? What should I do?

11 weeks 5 days

2009-08-10T19:42:00.002-04:00

Had another OBGYN appointment today and look!

Aren't they the prettiest things you've ever seen!

Long Time, no post

2009-08-09T17:22:00.003-04:00

Well, a lot has happened in the past year. In February, we came back up on the list for donated embryos. Choosing embryos was complicated -- finding donors that we were happy with, then someone else had chosen them before us. So, then we had to choose again. But we found embryos we were happy with. On June 8th we transferred two high grade embryos. On June 13, 5dp5dt we a had a positive home pregnancy test. At 7dp5dt, our beta was 96. Two days later, it was 194. Our 5 week u/s showed two gestational and two yolk sacs! At 7 weeks, we saw two hearteats! I am currently 11 weeks 4 days pregant with fraternal twins.
The past couple of months have been such a whirl wind. We can't believe this is finally happening for us! God has blessed us in so many ways. Tommy will be starting junior high in a couple of weeks and now we have two more on the way.
I didn't show until 7 months with Tommy. I'm kind of disappointed because I am still not showing at all. I thought since this was the second pregnancy and that there were two (plus I'm heavier now)that you would be able to tell by now.

Updates

2008-07-08T17:36:00.002-04:00

Last Wednesday I began bleeding. I am still bleeding, although it has slowed significantly. We went out of town for the holiday to Pittsburg to see dear husband's grandparents. They are two of the best people in the world.
I had my bloodwork repeated yesterday and my HCG is less than 1, so that's good (I guess). I talked to Cindy (my favorite nurse) and told her we wanted to go back on the donor embryo list. I thought it would be about six months long again and that would give us time to recover physically, emotionally and financially enough to make a good decision. However, apparently it's super short right now, because she told me to call with my next period and she would send the list out to me. She did say that they are low on embryos right now. When I told my husband about it last night, he told me he was done and maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I told him that I didn't want to argue about it, but that giving up completely wasn't acceptable to me. I ended the converstation right then and there. We both need time to think and process, and having a big fight about it would not help things. Is it unfair of me not to be done? Before I knew that it would be so hard, I had always said that I would not drag the family I already had through hell to try to expand it. I just didn't realize that it would be our only option other than not expanding. I just don't know what to do. I need a break from all of this too. I'd like to be able to take off 10-15 lbs I've put on from all the hormones and pay down some of the debt that we've accumulated with all this trying. But time keeps flying by and we aren't getting any younger. I don't want to be having children much past 30 and I'll be 29 this fall.
Thinking about all of this makes me so angry. I used to be such a happy and fun person. Just another thing that infertility has taken from me.

Repeat Beta

2008-06-28T19:03:00.002-04:00

is 8. So we're stopping meds and waiting for nature to take its course. In the meantime, we are having steak and margaritas for dinner. Might as well go down in flames, right? I cried (a lot) this morning after the call. Feeling much more numb about it all this evening.
On a side note, had a positive pregnancy test on First Response Early Results. So for anyone wondering, they must detect 8 or less. That's a pretty sensitive test.
I'm supposed to call the office when I start to bleed, and then we'll repeat the beta to make sure it gets down to zero. I guess after that we'll talk about where to go from here. So many decisions to make. Adoptions a pretty guaranteed thing (at least eventually), but for the price of a domestic adoption, we could try donor embryos at least three more times. Of course, that could be three more disappointments and no baby. Or we could take our luck with foster to adopt of an older child. Or, the least popular option, give up.

?

2008-06-26T17:07:00.002-04:00

After Monday nights bleeding, I stopped my meds on Wednesday. I was cramping horribly, so I popped some motrin. I was tempted to skip my beta today, but I didn't. Drs office called at 10:20 with results. It was 5. Which isn't zero. The nurse's words were "It is extremely low". It was 5 last time, and they had me stop all meds and repeat in a week. Then it was 1. Well, this time she told me to continue meds and repeat in 48 hours. And then ended the conversation with "I'm sorry". If she's sorry, why do I need bother dragging this out? We all know how it's going to end. Does this even count as pregnant? As in a chemical pregnancy? Or is this not pregnant? I'm so damn confused.

And I think it's over

2008-06-24T17:55:00.002-04:00

Last night before bed, when I went to the bathroom and wiped, there was blood. Not a cute couple of spots that one might mistake for implantation bleeding. Bright red streaks. It hasn't continued, but boy oh boy the cramping has. Plus, FRER remains negative, negative, negative.

6dpt

2008-06-23T17:33:00.003-04:00

And a big fat negative on a First Response. The Pollyanna in me cries that there is still hope, but she sounds like she's crying from miles away. I am cramping something awful. Is it possible to start your period while still on PIOs and Estrace?
I don't know where we go from here. We have no frozen embryos left. So we would have to go back on the wait list. Or come up with money to finance a donor egg cycle. Or pursue adoption. Or just give the f**k up and be happy with what we have.

3dp5dt

2008-06-20T17:36:00.002-04:00

and I am going crazy. Do I feel a little twinge here and there? What does that mean? When is too early to test. I spend half the evening asking "Honey, do you have any gut feelings? Do you think it worked? What does this mean, what does that mean?" My husband wishes I would shut up already. But I just can't help it. How am I going to make it another five days? And what am I going to do if it didn't work?

1dp5dt (or 8 more days until beta)

2008-06-18T14:13:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we transferred a single 5 day. The RE and nurse assured us that it went beautifully, which is pretty much the kiss of death.

Twas the Night Before Transfer

2008-06-16T20:55:00.002-04:00

If dear husband and I were part of the other 90% of the population, the fertile part, and we had conceived this cycle, I would have a tiny 30-60 celled mass traveling back through my fallopian tubes to find residence in my uterus as I write this. Instead, my boobs are swollen and sore, and my butt looks like a pin cushion (it doesn't feel too hot either). Tonight, instead of being warm and cozy in my body, the genetic cells of a couple other than us, sits frozen in the lab. Tomorrow morning, the embryologist will remove my embryo from the freezer and give it half an hour to thaw at room temperature. If all goes well, there is a 70% chance my embryo will thaw. A 70% chance my dreams will continue past tomorrow morning. Around 11:00my tiny little embryo will be transferred to my warm, pharmaceuticaly enhanced uterus.
Please thaw little baby. Give me a chance to dream again.

Same old song and dance

2008-06-11T16:05:00.002-04:00

So, already, today was my u/s. It was a day early because RE is going on vacation tomorrow. Apparently he will still be on vacation Tuesday the day of my transfer but is coming in for a couple of hours to do a couple of procedures. He's the only doc in the practice, so I bet his wife really hates his job.
My lining today was 9.5mm. So, that's good enough. I have been really shut down about his cycle and really today was the first day I have let the tiniest ray of hope sneak through. I still feel like there are signs every where telling me to back off. Last week I drove by a church near my house and the sign said "It is dangerous to mistake our wishes for God's will".
I have a paper due Friday by 5pm that I have barely started on that is my final for that class, but at least when I get that done, I will have my first class over with. Why did I go back to school? Oh yeah, my job made me :)

Cold Feet

2008-05-13T16:52:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to have second thoughts about trying again. I blame it on the finances, my brakes are squealing, I need new tires, my garbage disposal just died, gas is $3.91 a gallon here, and I just found out that dear son's daycamp this summer is $115 dollars/week. And those are all really, really good reasons to spend the money on something else. But, is that really why I want to chicken out? Or is it that I'm TERRIFIED of another failure and after all, I only have one left. The odds of one tiny little frozen embryo surviving the thaw and making it to a live delivery is so slim under the best of circumstance, let alone being one of five when the other four have already failed.
I was reading the local paper on Saturday. There is alway a religious column each week. This weeks was entitled "Sometimes God Says No". It had nothing to do with infertility, actually he was talking about a shuttle launch. But it has really got me thinking. If I could silence my heart and biological clock that is screaming, "TRY, TRY AGAIN" would I hear the faint whisper of God saying "no". It seems unthinkable, but is God trying to tell me this is not His plan? I've prayed and prayed about it. What path, what direction am I supposed to take? How do I know?

HAPPY NURSE'S DAY

2008-05-07T17:32:00.002-04:00

This week is Nurse's Week and our hospital celebrated Nurse's Day today. Each year, the hospital gives out several awards. Someone must nominate you and then the committee talks with your co-workers to find out more about you. Today, I was nominated for the "Power of Change Award". I was up against 10 other fantastic, intelligent, wonderful nurses. And somehow I won. I feel so honored by my friends and co-workers.
So, for any nurses out there, CONGRATULATIONS! Every day you make a difference and touch lives.

Well

2008-05-01T17:21:00.002-04:00

I survived the past week. At times, I definitely did not think I would. The same day I got my bad news, a co-worker found out she was pregnant. It was her second month trying. And the week before, she had gotten black-out drunk. Even knowing she was trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't even drink caffeine... But I digress. So, said co-worker has had some spotting, and actually CALLED ME AT HOME last night to ask what she should do!!!!!!!!!! I told her to call her doctor (just because I used to be a labor and delivery nurse does not make me an ob-gyn doctor). So, they got her in this morning to the office and did u/s. She was waving her pictures around all day. I don't begrudge her happiness, she should be happy and want to tell the whole world. I just wish I could put myself in a bubble so I didn't have to watch. We are all in cubicles, and she is close to me, so every phone call she makes, every person who walks by that she flags down to show her pictures to, I have to overhear. So not only do I feel devastated, I am suffering from low self esteem for being the person who hates her every time she says "I'm pregnant".
I had my blood redrawn today. My hcg was 1, so definitely negative and all gone. I started my period the other day. Tuesday I hurt so bad that when I got home from work, I laid in bed all evening on the heat pad. It's much better now.
I spoke with the office today, and we are going to try again right away. Our tax stimulus package will pay for about 2/3 of the cost, and we can come up with the rest without charging it. If this time with the one embryo doesn't work, we will have to go back on the list to wait for a new batch. If we decide to. I really wondered about the sanity of trying again. At this point shouldn't I just say "enough is enough" and be grateful for what I have? But I can't. I can't think about or focus on anything else. I feel like I'm cheating my son from having a full time real mother who focuses on him, who lives and breathes for him. I don't live my life in days, I live it in cycles just praying that at the end of this one, I will get what I hope and pray for.
I have decided I'm not telling anyone this time we cycle. No co-workers, no friends. I will come up with some kind of convincing lies for my time off work. That means that this blog and my poor husband will be my only outlet for these emotions and thoughts. Maybe it's time to invest in a new keyboard...

Negative

2008-04-24T15:23:00.001-04:00

My hcg was 5. Which means a negative. The office wants me stop my estrace and PIO and have it redrawn next week to make sure it gets back down to 0.

A new day, a new freak out (8dpt)

2008-04-23T17:34:00.005-04:00

So, here is a recap of my past 24 hours. DS got kicked in the ankle at soccer practice, we spent 3 hours in the pediatric urgent care, didn't get home until 11pm. I had to teach a class today, so there was no way I could call off work. Sent DS to my SIL this morning. Got up early to go to work, took pee test(from the dollar tree), couldn't see a line. Decided to stop by walmart, just to pick up a more expensive brand, so that may give me what I want to see. Locked my keys in my car at walmart, at 0615 am. Had to call my husband, wake him up to come unlock me. Took new test, also negative. However, as the day has went on, a very, very, faint line appeared. Tried to take a picture of it and other sticks. Line is too faint to show up in pictures. But here is one from this morning anyway?

So, what does this mean? I pray that it does not mean a nonviable pregnancy, but that is what I fear it means all at the same time. My beta is in the am. However, if anyone has any stories to tell of extremely faint positives at CD 28, 8dp6dt I could really use some encouragement right now.
Thanks for everyones well wishes.

A very faint line (7dpt)

2008-04-22T17:03:00.003-04:00

Because I am a crazy, OCD woman, I dug yesterday morning's test out of the trash when I got home from work yesterday (just in case). And swore that if I held it just right, I could maybe see the faintest of faint lines. So I took another one, and again swore I could maybe just kinda see a faint, faint line. This morning, I took another with FMU, and it's definitely there. It's faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. But it's SO faint that now I'm worried about that. The couple who donated these embryos did get pregnant with this batch, but it ended up being a chemical pregancy. What if that is what is happening for me? I know that only time will tell, but I am FREAKING out about that now. But, for now, there is a faint line. Beta in two more days!

5dpt

2008-04-20T20:03:00.003-04:00

I'm an idiot. I told myself I was going to wait until morning of beta to POAS. But, no..... I went to the dollar tree on Friday and bought 7. That's right s.e.v.e.n. At the dollar tree ( I couldn't even spring for the good ones????) And started peeing like a mad woman, Friday evening. Not even FMU. And of course, negative. Saturday morning, this morning, negative, negative, negative.

2dpt

2008-04-17T16:17:00.002-04:00

Well, here I am, over 48 hours post transfer. And my transfer feels like it was 300 years ago. I'm so anxious to know if it worked or not. I had today off from work too, but I go back tomorrow. I did some very light yard work (watered some flowers and pulled some weeds), did more homework, did some light house work and a dear friend came over to visit. It has been the longest day ever. I even made a home made loaf of bread.
My boobs are still sore and this afternoon I've been sick to my stomach. What does this tell me? That PIO are a bi*ch... Seriously, it's way to early for the symptoms to be attributable to anything else. Isn't it? Oh how I hope the next week goes quickly, more so than the past 48 hours.

1DP6DT

2008-04-16T09:55:00.003-04:00

I stayed laying down most of the day yesterday, but now, I am BORED! It's not even 10 and I have made myself a oatmeal (the old fashioned kind) ate, cleaned up the kitchen, done two loads of laundry (didn't lift anything heavy), read 4 chapters of my book, and taken a shower. I've got homework to work on, so that's my plan for this afternoon. I only have four days left of my estrace, so I called in my refill for that. My butt hurts (PIO) and boobs are really tender, but that started before the transfer (also the PIO's). My abdomen feels bloated this morning, and if I concentrate really hard, I'm maybe a little crampy. Of course, it could all be in my head. I had one time last night and once this morning that there was the slightest tinge of pink on the tissue when I wiped. But, the doc said that he transfered some growing medium in before the embryos and that it was pink, so I might notice some pink. Why wouldn't they make that sort of thing a different color, so that there is no mistaking it for bleeding. Would it really be so hard to make it green instead?
So, I'm now back off to the couch and my book for more laying down time. Please stick babies, please grow.

Transfer Day

2008-04-15T18:03:00.003-04:00

My transfer today went well. Both embryos survived the thaw. One was a grade 1.5, the other a 2.0. The 2.0 wasn't fully re-expanded in this picture. I've tried to stay fairly horizontal today, but I've been up to the bathroom a lot. The transfer was very uncomfortable, just because of my bladder. I even relieved myself a little 3 times before the transfer began, but I obviously drank too much water.
I have my beta on April 24th. I don't know if I will POAS before then. I'm terrified of the answer. But for now, for today, I am pregnant with two little babies. Stick little babies, stick.

CD 19 (AKA the Night Before)

2008-04-14T22:16:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is the day. The past two months since we hit the top of the list as passed so quickly. I pray my ice babies thaw safely and find a nice warm haven in the lining of my uterus.
I'll let you all know tomorrow how it goes.

CD18

2008-04-13T08:08:00.002-04:00

I had my u/s Thursday, and my uterine linging was 11mm. Dr. H assured me that was "great" but of course I came home and consulting dr. google as well. And now I'm freaked out because apparently there is something called a "triple stripe" lining that a person should have before transfer that Dr. H said nothing about. Sigh, what's a girl to do. I'm freaked about everything right now. Started my PIO's Thursday morning also, and oh my goodness does my behind hurt. I have bruises from each shot, and I feel like I have climbed 1,000,000 stair steps. I try to relax the muscle, I use the heat pad, I make my husband massage, but it still hurts. Not even so much when it goes in, but the aftermath...
Only two more day, two more days until it is out of all of our hands and into God's hands. What if it doesn't work? We've tried to limit who we told about, but most people that we work with know. How else do you take so many days off in the middle of a HUGE project at work without explaining to people why? So, if it doesn't work, how do I tell everyone? How do I live with it, knowing full well DH and I agreed that this is the last chance?
I am obsessed with this cycle. Even yesterday at the grocery store, I bought a gallon of milk with an expiration date of 4/25 and thought "by the time this milk expires, we will know if it worked." That's certifiably crazy.

CD12

2008-04-07T16:10:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning in my typical am haze, sat down to give myself my lupron, and freaked out when I saw I only gad 5 needles left. Then I realized, I only have 3 days of lupron left to give myself, because my u/s is THIS Thursday!!! Only 8 days left until transfer (providing everything goes as scheduled). From where I had to work so much last week, and so much of it nightshift (72 hours in 7 days), I had totally lost track of time. I can't believe it is right here around the corner. In some ways, I am so excited, but a very real portion of myself is dreading it. Dreading finding out the answer to whether this works or not. Dreading paying a loan payment 4 times a year for the next five years if it doesn't work. I'm just very scared.
Speaking of the 2ww, I'm wishing the best for my friend Miss. Stop over and wish her luck!
I'll let you know how Thursday goes!

Another Step

2008-03-22T22:34:00.002-04:00

Today was the last day of my nuvaring. As long as AF visits in before then, I will start my Estrace on the 27th. It's so exciting and scary at the same time. I am getting better at giving myself the lupron shots each day. I only hesitate for 5-10 secs now. The first day or two, I would stare at the needle and my stomach for a good 60-90 seconds before getting the nerve up to actually do anything about it!
Tuesday we have our pyschological evaluation and to be honest, I am scared to death about it. Mostly because I have no idea what it will be like. It's so hard to put yourself out there to a perfect stranger. It's an odd place to be in, as we had our son so easily. I was 16 when we got pregnant, it was the first month we did the baby dance, it was so unexpected, so easy. 5 years ago when we started this journey for another child, I never expected for it to be so damn hard. Now, not only have we had countless tests, three surgeries, more physical and emotional pain than I could have ever imagined, we have to prove ourselves fit to parent another child.
I have so much hope and so much fear that this won't work. I tell myself that there is no reason I can't be in the 50% that are successful. After all, it seems meant to be. We are cycling in April (between our anniversary and DS birthday), we would be due Jan 6th, (one day after DH's 32nd birthday, his original cut off date for having more children) and our embryos were frozen 7/17/07, the date of my last surgery. I hope that it is all a good sign.
I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about our embryos genetic parents. And how incredible of them it was to make the decision to donate these tiny miracles in waiting. And how grateful I am to them for giving us the joy of hope, even if that ends up being all we get from this experience.

Pills and Needles

2008-03-13T18:24:00.003-04:00

So, I got my box o'meds yesterday. I need to start my Lupron injections Saturday. I am so terrified of giving myself shots, even just the lupron subq's. But, whatever I have to do for a "shot" at a happy ending. Ha, ha, no pun intended. My meds only cost $107.50 out of pocket, insurance paid for a lot of it.
The nurse from RE's office called and left a message today. All of our blood work came back fine, so Yeah! Neither of us have the chlap or HIV.
Work has been very busy, but that's been good because it has kept me distracted from thinking about this cycle so much.

The ball is in motion

2008-03-06T21:07:00.002-05:00

So, we had our appt today. We have settle on our set of embryos. They are 3 day 6 blasts. Mom was 32 (donor egg) and dad was 54. The couple did get pregnant, but then miscarried. Mom (DE) has brown hair and has hazel eyes, dad grey hair and blue eyes. If all goes well, and my uterus lines us nicely, we will have our transfer on April 15th. I start Lupron injections on March 15th. So, everything is on it's way.
The day of the transfer, they will thaw two. My doctor's office only transfers two. If one or both does not survive the thaw, then they would attempt to thaw the one remaining. The thaw rate is 70% with a pregnancy rate of 35-55% depending on the age of the eggs. We will be somewhere in the middle, because the eggs aren't real young, but aren't over 35.
It was a really neat appt, because we also got to meet with the embryologist who showed us pictures of embryos at different stages and what was "good" vs. not so good. All of our embies are at least grade 2.0 because they won't freeze embryos graded less than that. Grade 1 is the best, 4 is the worst.
Our next step is to wait to hear from the mail order pharmacy. Cindy, our nurse, will call our meds in tommorrow, then the pharmacy will check with our insurance to see which (if any) meds that they will pay for. Then, the pharmacy will contact us to collect payment and mail it out to us. Cindy gave my husband a crash course in intramuscular injections. I'll be able to give myself the lupron, but he's going to have to give me the progesterones in oil (in my hiney).
I will keep everyone updated!

We have received a list!

2008-02-29T22:30:00.002-05:00

So, today we received the available embryos list. And it's interesting. Of course, not a single one has everything we would want, but there are a few that are pretty close. It's late, and I'm sleepy, so I will update more later this weekend with more details.
Baby dust to all!

I'm Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-26T17:44:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time since I posted. Not much has happened in the past six months. Working hard, getting used to the idea of just the one child. Then, on Thursday, we recieved a call from RE's office to let us know we are a the top of the list for donor embryos! So, any day now, we will get a catalog of available embies to choose from. And, then we will choose and get started on the cycle. It's so exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. I am on Nuvaring now, and it is due to come out on March 4th. Once it comes out and I start my period, I will start BCP. We have an appt. March 6th at the clinic to sign our consents, meet with the RE to discuss the plan, and meet with the embryologist to find out what they do to thaw the embryos. Then, we also have to meet with a psychologist to determine that we are mentally sound enough. I have a meeting with my valic rep to find out what I have to do to borrow money from my 403b to finance this.
So, that's all the info I have for now. As this crazy journey continues to unfold, I plan to blog it all out for the world and for myself. If anyone has any advice on donor embryos, I would love to hear it!!

Lab Confirmation that my blog title is correct

2007-10-03T17:50:00.000-04:00

Well, my obgyn drew my FSH levels last week, and my FSH is 69.7. Anything over 13 is indicative of being post-menopausal. So, no wonder I am having raging hot flashes a couple of times a day. I went to medical records and got my results myself. I still hadn't heard from the dr.'s offics today, so I called and left a messsage this afternoon. Of course, the nurse called me back after the dr. had already left for the day, so they wil have to give me a call back tomorrow. Hopefully soon I will have some estrogen back in my system and feel more like a normal person again!

I've been a naughty, naughty blogger

2007-09-19T16:09:00.000-04:00

Holy crap, it's been almost a month since I've posted. So, let me try to recap.
-I saw my OBGYN, after taking 5 days of BCP to stop the hot flashes. Of course, she promptly made me quit the pills, so she could see what my FSH is. She wants me to wait until the hot flashes come back to have my blood drawn, so that she can see what kind of dose I need for HRT. It's been 3 weeks and still no hot flashes. Plus, she started me on Lexapro, and I think that has really made a difference in my mood.

-My husband and are officially on the waiting list at the RE's office to be given donor embryos. We've been on the list for about 2 weeks. They told me the waiting list is typically 2-3 months long. Now we are just trying to come up with a creative way to finance the procedure ($5,000) without taking out another loan. Any suggestions out there in blogland?

-I went to Boston last week for a work trip and it was BEAUTIFUL. Had a good time, but very glad to be home with DH and DS.

-I've lost 25 pounds in the 9 weeks since my surgery. That's a whole lot of wait for not much time. And I'm not really eating any differently. I was really starting to get worried about it. But I have to get my TSH levels drawn every six months because I have hypothyroidism and take Synthroid. Well, I had medical records at the hospital pull up my labs I had drawn yesterday and my TSH is only .029
It should be between .3-5.5. So apparently, I've got a little HYPERthyroid going on. So, we'll see what the good old doc wants to do when he calls me back later this week (he was out of the office today).

So, that's the quick synopsis for right now. Oh, and my best friend had her baby two weeks ago. He initially had some respiratory problems and spent a week at Children's Hospital but is doing great now. And my sister-in-law found out she's having a girl, the first girl in the family (lucky b*tch) :)
I'll try to keep this updated a little better from now on!

Fifth Grade

2007-08-22T16:36:00.001-04:00

Well, first off, I'm feeling much better. Whatever I had the other night, went away.
Today was the first day of 5th grade for my dear son TR. He was so tired and grumpy this morning. Here are the morning pictures:

Note the "Dear Heavens woman, must you take a picture of every damn thing I do!" look on the poor kids face.
But he must have had a good day at school (he's got his latest crush in all his classes) because here is the after school picture:

I can't believe he is in fifth grade this year. And he's ten! Time keeps flying no matter how much I try to slow it down.
We had training today at work and our Meditech specialist was here from Boston. She is all of 23 and just had a birthday last month. She is SO young! It got me thinking about how we started trying for number two when I was 23. And now here I am.
Well, tomorrow is another day, and it will be here soon!

2007-08-20T19:20:00.000-04:00

I think I have the flu. Last night I started feeling a little queasy. Took some Motrin this morning because I was achy. Now, this evening, I am freezing, I think I'm gonna hurl, and every muscle in my body aches.
Just wanted to share my misery with my internet friends :)

Clean Up in Aisle Three

2007-08-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

DH and I were a Walmart this morning when we ran into his parents. And of course, they wanted to stand in the aisle and chat for twenty minutes. So, a few minutes into the conversation, my MIL turns and says to me "BIL and SIL keeping telling me all about the baby names they are picking. They must be pretty confident about this pregnancy". Now, I have talked with BIL and SIL about the names they have picked out. And I am 95% thrilled for them that this pregnancy is progressing so well after their past two miscarriages. But EVERYTIME I see MIL, she wants to talk to me about SIL and show me the tiny baby clothes she bought for them. I feel like she is rubbing it in my face. I'm not sure how to bring it up, but I am going to have to have a talk with her about it soon, otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to flip out on her. After we finished talking with them in Walmart, I had to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes before I could continue.
On a happy note, our new next door neighbors Diana and Shane got married today in a beautiful wedding. Diana and I used to work together on L&D, so I'm really excited to have them as neighbors.
I found this website off a forum I visit. I think I might send my MIL the link. Anyone have any suggestions for how to talk to her?
Empty Arms

An Electronic Health Record

2007-08-15T20:52:00.000-04:00

Today I thought I would blog a little about my job. I have been an RN for the past 7 years. Six of those I spent as a labor and delivery nurse and I loved it until it became apparent that I was spending 40 hours with what I want most and can't have rubbed in my face. So, I found a new job. I currently work for my hospital's IT dept in a specialized group that combines your average IT techie people with clinicians. The hope is that this combination will successfully create an enterprise wide electronic health record that will not only improve patient care by creating universal access to information, but also will improve health care by tracking patient outcomes and trends that hospitals need to focus wealth and resources on to keep up with changing winds of healthcare. It's such a big undertaking but also so exciting to be involved on the front end. Currently, the USA is #1 in the world for healthcare spending, but #42 in patient outcomes. Obviously, we have a long way to go.
Do any of you out there work in healthcare?

For a Change

2007-08-11T09:29:00.000-04:00

I am going to do something a little different and NOT complain on here. Instead, I am going to list things I am thankful for:
1. My son. This one is a no brainer. He's 10, he's healthy, he's happy. I really couldn't ask for more in life at all.
2. My husband. We've been together 11 of my 27 years. He'a good man, a good father, and he tries really hard.
3. My best friend Candice's pregnancy. She suffered through a horrible miscarriage last fall and is about to have her second child, a little boy!
4. A coworker named S who is about to adopt a baby boy that she found through taking care of his biological Aunt when she was in labor. Her adoption just fell into place and it gives me hope that there is a child out there or soon to come into the world that is meant for me and my husband.
5. Since my surgery, I have not had chronic pelvic pain. And, I'm not in the bathroom every 45 minutes because my ovary is sitting on my bladder.
6. I'm down fifteen pounds to 163 lbs. I haven't been that weight since before I started TTC (over four years ago).

Well, I was going to try to come up with 10, but I feel a little stalled after these six. But it is good to remind myself that there ARE things in my life to be grateful for.

Back to Work

2007-08-10T16:03:00.000-04:00

I survived my first two days back to work. I had some momentary dizziness today, but it passed after about half an hour. The big problem now is that I started having hot flashes today. I had a couple of little ones last week but they were so mild I could tell myself that I wasn't really having hot flashes. But today there was NO doubt what they were. And I feel really angry about it. I knew they were probably going to happen, Dr. Hofmann told me over and over (and over) about the risks. But I am still angry. I'm 27 and I don't want to deal with menopause. I know I am having a very immature mentality about it, but I just don't wanna. I called to get into my local gyn doc today to discuss HRT options and they can't see me until Sept And I called our local county children's services to ask for info about adoption through fostering on Monday and have not heard back from her yet. And that makes me angry!!!! I see a trend here :)
I really have been praying about all of this and praying for patience. I hope I can get myself together soon.

Sad but true

2007-08-03T08:09:00.000-04:00

I found this "What Country are You?" quiz through my random blog stalking.

You're Afghanistan!

In the words of Bob Dylan, you "haven't known peace and quiet
in so long [you] don't remember what it's like!" Sad but true. Boss
after boss has led you around, using you for their nefarious purposes, and dumping you
when the time was right. You've hurt and been hurt and now you're just sick and tired.
When will people leave you alone and let you do your own thing? But you
don't really even know what you want anymore.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

A new option?

2007-08-02T16:21:00.000-04:00

I had my post op appt. today. He told me I looked good and I looked like I had lost some weight (I haven't had much of an appetite, but I don't own a scale). He wants me to go back to work next week on Thursday, so I have a short week and then the weekend to recover before I go back for a full week. Makes sense to me I guess. He also brought up the idea of donor eggs again and then mentioned donor embryos. I had never even thought about that. So I consulted my best friend g00gle and did a little research. The cost of donor embyros is significantly less than donor eggs (anywhere from $2500-10,000) which is also cheaper than an international adoption and similar to a domestic adoption. Plus, I would be able to carry the child and feel it grow.
My husband and I have also been talking about adopting through fostering. We want a young child so it might take some time to get a child that we would be able to adopt, but I feel like we could provide a good stable home.
I still am feeling pretty tearful a lot of the time. A couple of nights ago I was watching tv and the Guardisil commercial got to me. Those young ladies on the cusp of womenhood, chanting about wanting to be "one less, one less". Before I knew it, I was bawling into my blanket.

Day Nine Post op

2007-07-26T17:03:00.000-04:00

I haven't had any pain in several days. But goodness, I am tired all the time. Tommy had football conditioning last night, and all I did was just sit there for two hours. But by the time I got home, I was exhausted.
I just wish I could hurry up and recover. I'm ready to move on with my life. Just as soon as I figure out what it is I want. I want a baby so badly, but is it wrong to adopt when it feels like second place prize? And it's not like I have a ton of time. I know that I'm only 27 and dear husband is only 30, but it's not like we are getting in younger. And Tommy is 10!!!! At this rate, he might be in highschool by the time he gets a sibling.
Am I being selfish wanting another child? I have a good life, a good husband, a wonderful child, a job that pays me more than I am worth, a house that keeps me warm and safe. Is it too much to ask for another child? Is this punishment for mistakes I made in my early twenties? When I get upset, the phrase "it's not fair" spins through my head. But maybe it really is karma biting me in the ass.

A new chapter in my life

2007-07-24T09:44:00.001-04:00

Well, I had my surgery last week ( one week ago today actually). Dr. Hofmann said that things looked even worse than he thought they would, but that he and Dr. Barnes (the oncologist) had gotten things cleaned up pretty well. My ovary was stuck on one side to my small bowel and on the other side to my uterus. Between removing it from those things and removing the large endometrioma, I now am the proud owner of 10% of my ovary. Meaning, I will never produce eggs again. Meaning I will never have another biological child of my own. And probably will have menopause now.
So I am healing pretty well physically. I haven't had to take anything for pain for three days now. And last night I was able to sleep on my side for the first time since then. I had a pretty large blood loss and I feel really tired each day. I'm down to about one nap a day.

Preop appt.

2007-07-11T20:06:00.000-04:00

It seems ridiculous, but I had my pre-op appt. yesterday. Preop, surgery, post-op. Pre-op, surgery, post-op. I'm caught up in a vicious cycle :) My laparotomy is on Tuesday. I'm getting pretty nervous, but I'm hanging in okay.

In crazy news, my best friend is 29 wks. pregnant. She has a three year old daughter. At her 20 wk u/s she found out she was having another girl. This week, she had an u/s to check her fluid level, and they found a PENIS!!! She's having a boy! We are all so excited for her, but she's got a lot of stuff, including a pink carseat, to take back!

We put Parker, our toy poodle, in our pop up pool over the weekend and he loved it! He just swam circle after circle.

The dog has really become my "baby".

A bad day

2007-06-25T18:06:00.000-04:00

I had my post op appt. Friday and it went pretty well. My dr. is confident that I will have significant pain relief from having another surgery and that there is a less than 1% chance of any bowel damage. Of course, he is still very concerned that I will be in menopause afterwards due to how much ovary he will have to remove to get all of the cyst out. He also said that even if I have enough ovarian tissue to produce eggs left, IVF is my only realistic option to conceive.
I woke up around 3:00 am this morning in SEVERE pain. Bad enough I considered going to the ER. After four motrin, two tylenol, and three hours it was back down to a tolerable level. But it meant I only got about four hours of sleep last night. Then today was my SIL first prenatal appt. I had to leave work early to get Tommy and my nephew from the drs office so that BIL could be with her for the appt. Talk about my own personal hell. The whole waiting area was filled with pregnant bellies and newborns. This is why I had to stop working Labor and Delivery. I'm just too hateful to do it anymore. I hate the way infertility has turned me into a bitter, spiteful, jealous person that I don't even recognize any more. And then, because we are going to dinner at my mother in laws tonight, SIL gave me a copy of the u/s picture to show them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As if hearing everyone ask her all weekend if she was feeling okay and if she was having much morning sickness wasn't bad enough. Everyone around me is pregnant. And most days I can deal with it. But today I am really having a hard time.

Two weeks post-op

2007-06-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

I am finally feeling 100% back to normal following this surgery, which is great because after my laparotomy it took me about 5 weeks to feel this normal. I've still been struggling with a lot of questions and emotions. I have my post-op appt on Friday and hopefully will be able to make a decision and feel more settled after that.
I ran into my hometown GYN doc today and tried to ask her opinion. She said she needs to know what my ovary and tubes looked like before she gave me any advice. So she wants me to call her this weekend and let her know.
The dogs are doing well. They are finally settling into being around each other and are actually quite playful together. I gave Parker an at home grooming over the weekend (including hair clipping). Boy do I need practice with that! But he looks even smaller without all that hair.
People send me a lot of funny emails, but this is the funniest link I have gotten in a long time. Check it out if you get some time http://youtube.com/watch?v=bKRZv6NGjdc

Rinse, lather, and repeat

2007-06-11T19:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I chickened out of calling the doctor today. For one because I'm afraid of what he will say, but also because I HATE phone tag. I would have to call the office, and leave a message for the nurse. Then the nurse would call back and I would have to give her all the questions. She would take them to the doctor, get the answers and then call me back. And if I had any follow up questions, we'd have to repeat the process. So, here's to waiting until June 22nd for my follow-up appt.

I went to work today and actually made it through the whole eight hours, so I guess I am recovering from the surgery. Now, if I could only recover mentally!

WEll, I can't have a baby, but I can have dogs! So, what did we do this weekend? Bought a new puppy, as if Jack (our ornery Jack Russell isn't enough). Here's a picture:

That black ball of fur is a minature poodle named Parker, and is the latest addition to our family. Hey, in my defense, my son is 10 and if I didn't get my maternal instincts out somewhere besides him, I would smother him!!!

Day 4 Post-op

2007-06-09T10:37:00.000-04:00

My incision is healing nicely although today it has started to have that awful itching/burning feeling as it heals. I also continue to be quite sore and I can't wear non elastic pants.

I plan on spending my weekend as quietly and peacefully as possible, but we are going to go to the store this afternoon and get my husband a new grill for Father's Day. Our current one is going on 7 years old and is quite nasty. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep the new one sparkling clean?

I spoke with one of the OB-GYN docs yesterday at work (yes, I went back to work yesterday) and asked his advice. Of course, this is the one doctor out of 10 whose opinion I value least, but he cautioned me against having this other surgery. He said he knows of no technique out there that has worked to put the bowel back where it should be and keep it there. Apparently, it tends to migrate back out of place and stick to things it shouldn't. And every surgery will bring new adhesions to muck things up and cause more pain. Appealing words of wisdom huh? But, I try not to put too much thought into his words because.... A. It wasn't the answers and advice I was looking for and B. He's a shmuck. :)
I need to talk further with my doc, and I would love to talk with the oncologist as well. So, Monday I will make phone calls, but I think my repro guy might be on vacation next week. The nerve of the man to not be at my beck and call 24/7.

2007-06-07T09:58:00.000-04:00

Had a great vacation which I guess was the universe's way of easing me into what came next.
I had my surgery on Tuesday. And it turned out to be nothing but an exploratory lap. I had adhesions pulling my bowel to my abdominal wall. Then, when he got down to the ovary, it was wrapped up in small bowel. So, they just closed me up and woke me up.

They have rescheduled my surgery for July 17th so that an gyn oncologist can be there to disect the bowel from ovary so that my doctor can remove the cysts.

I'm petty sore still but I finally feel awake. Yesterday, as soon as I would sit down or lay on the couch, I would be asleep. I'm just taking motrin for the pain and it seems to be relieving enough of the pain.

Here's a picture of my insides, the doctor gave it to my husband so I didn't get an explanation of what it was but I think it's my ovary and small bowel.

Here's a few pictures of vacation:

Thank God for vacations

2007-05-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

I had my pre-op appt. yesterday. The nurse who drew my blood left a HUGE bruise on my arm (not a reassuring start). I signed my consent and we talked more about what would happen. He also promised that if he has to do the open surgery, that he would cut out my old scar so I wouldn't have this pucker on the left side anymore (whoo hoo!). Not that anyone ever sees it but me and my poor husband maybe once every couple weeks, but it's the little things that count.
Speaking of my poor husband, I have had so much pelvic pain and bleeding this past six weeks that our bedroom time has been severely limited. He's been a little more grouchy, but all in all, I'm really proud of him! He's been taking this very well.
We leave for Orlando on Monday. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. It's going to be a very exhausting week, but since my surgery is two days after we come home, I'm sure I will have plenty of time to rest after my surgery :)
My baby brother graduates high school on Sunday and I am so thankful. There were several times during the past couple of years that I really worried he wouldn't make it. He's so smart and such a hard worker, but he hangs out with the wrong kids and gets himself in bad situations. Now, I just have to worry about getting hime through college!
I'll post pictures when we get home.

My Surgery is Scheduled

2007-04-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

After 10 days of talks, missed phone calls and frustration at crappy office staff, my surgery is scheduled for June 5th, exactly 2 days after we get home from vacation. I'm feeling REALLY nervous about it. The past 4 or 5 day, I haven't had any pain and my pants fit fine again, so I ask myself why I am having the surgery. But, I guess at this point, it is the only option for moving forward.
Mr. R and I had a very awkward encounter with TR's soccer coach over the weekend. After practice, all the families went to a local pizza joint to hang out and get to know each other. The coach was talking about they are pregnant with their fifth and due this August. Around that time, TR came over to get more quarters for video games. Mr. R. made a joke that we could only afford one child. The soccer coach proceeded to tell us that the best thing for their first born daughter was their second born and how it really taught her to be less selfish. It made feel like he thought we weren't have more children by choice, so I found myself blurting out "Actually, I have health problems that have kept us from having anymore." Then, I felt like an idiot because there was all this silence at the table before someone awkwardly changed the subject. I never know how to deal with the question "Is TR your only child?". Infertility has definitely made me more aware of what I say to others.

My repro doc appt

2007-04-15T20:16:00.000-04:00

Eh, it went not so well. He told me that for whatever reason, at age 27, I have "galloping" endometriosis. He did an u/s and said that the endometrioma is now "only" 8.8cms but that surgery is really my only option, that it will not go away on his own. He also said he has true concerns about that when he removes it and the walls of it, that there might not be much ovarian tissue left. I may not be able to get pregnant without IVF, or even at all. He said I had a chance of having so little ovary left that it would throw me into menopause. He hopes to do it laprascopically, but depending on what he finds, and how much adhesions I have, he may have to do an open incision. At the end, he hugged me, told me he was sorry, and that life had dealt me a lousy hand. Not the encouragement I wanted. I cried for the first 45 minutes we were in the car. Then, we stopped for gas, and I went into use the bathroom. Walking out, I got a cramp in my leg, and I FELL onto the parking lot and scraped both of my knees and palms! I'm feeling a lot calmer now, but it was not the news Mr. R and I were hoping for.
And now I have all these thoughts and questions. Like:
1. So what happens if I don't have the surgery. He told me that it will not go away on it's own. But, at my first u/s in was 12.5 cms at the end of my cycle. Now it is 8.5 at mid-cycle. Could I take birth control pills or lupron to keep in smaller? And wait awhile before surgery?
2. Could we try to do IVF before removing it? Would it have any chance of success?
3. If I have surgery, what happens afterwards? What keeps me from getting another cyst? Should I go on meds afterwards to try to keep the endo under control? If I have enough ovary left to get my period, thten could we try IVF right away?
It was a bad day emotionally. I wonder sometime if I need therapy. When I brought it up
to Mr. R today, he didn't disagree. We went to Walmart this evening, and not only did I stare at the babies and pregnant bellies with envy, but every women of childbearing age that I passed, I couldn't help but be pissed about their healthy uteruses and ovaries. I seriously need help!